This Is This

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Archive for November, 2004

This is where the magic happens

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

If you’ve never watched MTV Cribs, here’s the idea: stars of modern culture (film, music, sport) take a camera round their cavernous homes and show off their gadgets and cars, while making witty asides about their clothes or the contents of their fridges.

Upon entering their bedroom, nine out of ten celebrities say in false modesty: “this… is where the magic happens…” It’s tiresome to say the least.

If I were ever to find myself on that show, I would also use that line, but I would open a door to reveal a room full of … wait for it… magicians. One guy would be passing a hoop round a levitating lady, there would be rabbits and doves, someone pulling a bouquet of flowers out of their sleeve, maybe even a hostess greeting us at the door and a two-drink minimum. Ooooh - before that, even, I could open a door, and there would be another door behind it, and another one behind THAT. Then after about 5 doors there would be a brick wall and if I turned the wall-mounted lamp, the wall could swing around, revealing the above room.

Then I could say, “Oh, no, sorry, that’s my office. THIS is where the magic happens,” then taking them to the bedroom. Brilliant. Just brilliant. Never going to happen.

English spoken here

Sunday, November 28th, 2004

I wish people who work in the UK could speak English. In a low-skilled job, it’s about the most basic requirement. And I’m not looking for Lucian Freud to flip my burgers, just a basic understanding if not command of the language.

I don’t know if there are people who do speak English and are looking for work and can’t get it, but now that we have a minimum wage, they should really get the jobs over people who can’t. All things being equal, if a job requires no qualifications, then a need to speak English ought to clinch it.

I can say this objectively because I used to live in a foreign country and I used to get annoyed at British people abroad who didn’t learn the language of the country they lived in to when there was a clear need to.

This weekend I went into MacDonalds and placed my order. Being a vegetarian, I always have to wait for my meal because they have to make it fresh because it’s so rare a veggy would eat there. So I get to sit back and watch the world a while.

This lady comes in behind me and places a quick order for one to take away. As she pays and waits for her food, she says to the person at the till:

“Do you know if this road goes to Eton?”

“Eat in?”

“No, take away.”

“OK. Take away.”

“Do you know if this road,” she points to the road behind her, “goes to Eton?”

“You eat in, OK.”

“No. I want a road-”

“-ah, ok, you takeaway. OK.”

“- to Eton.”

“You eat in? You want take away.”

“I want to know if this road goes to Eton.”

“Road?”

Jesus. Funny though.

Smells like ….. Listerine

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

On the bus this morning, the driver was playing classical music on the way in. I don’t think he realised it was coming in over the PA they normally use for guided tours and emergency announcements. I put up with it for a while, but I was trying to read. I like classical music a bit. I like Mozart and Bach and Aaron Copeland’s Appelation Spring is stunning in it’s depth and simplicity, but when I’m trying to read a book, I don’t like pianos tinkering in the background.

I don’t think the driver realised he had it on, but it was tinkering in the background so you could barely hear it, like it does when a plane is taxiing to its gate after landing. I was working up the gumption to say something and when Wagner’s Flight of the Valkyries came on I lept into action. You know the one - it was used in the helicopter attack scene in Apocalypse Now.

I used to work with a guy who said that to hate Wagner was to understand something about humanity. Hitler made Wagner the soundtrack on the Nazi movement in all its pomp and genocide.

As we thundered along at 70mph, I staggered to the front of the bus, steading myself as I made my way up to the driver. Picture if you will the image to the accompaniment to crashing cymbals and thundering horns.

I reached the driver and leant over. The music was even louder up front where it was also coming out of the stereo speakers.

“Could you turn it down please?”

“What?” said the driver, turning around as he did. This troubled me as I stood in the aisle with the forces of friction and a 25mm pane of glass between me and the outside lane of a motorway.

“The music! Think you could turn it down?!”

“Can you hear THIS back THERE?”

“No. It’s just…”

“What?”

“I can’t here THIS back THERE, but you’ve also got it coming out of the PA system!”

“You can’t hear it?!”

“No, I CAN hear it. It’s on the PA.”

He turns it off the volume in the front and it’s still playing on the PA.

“It’s still playing,” he says, “it must be on the PA.”

“I think it might be.”

“Do you want me to turn it off?”

“Yes please.”

I make my way back to my seat.

Coffee?

Friday, November 12th, 2004

Hangover vanquished, I emerge victorious, perhaps to drink a beer another day.

Walking to work I saw a poster that said “99p For Coffee Before 11am”. It draws me in and I ask for a coffee and a pain au chocolat. A lady patiently explains that a coffee is in fact an “Americano” and I point out that Americano or not, if I want milk I’ll ask for it.

“Two pounds seventy five please,” she says.

I point to the window. “Sign in the window says 99p before 11am.” It’s ten past eight.

“Didn’t I charge you that?”

“Not unless I that’s a very expensive pain au chocolat.”

She gives the till evils before looking up at me. “Sorry,” she says with a cock of her head, “force of habit.”

As if. Like that’s the first cup of coffee she has served all day, or she forgot that in the morning, when she starts her shift, COFFEE IS SERVED AT A DISCOUNT. Or maybe she didn’t read the sign in the window that she had to walk past when she arrived at work to start serving their biggest selling product, the best selling drink in the world - the same sign that got me in off the street - the sign that says 99p for coffee before 11am.

Yeah, I’d say I was back to my old self.

Shhhhh

Thursday, November 11th, 2004

Just about all I can just about manage today is:

I have a hangover.

I could talk about it but it wouldn’t make either of us feel any better.

I got home at 1am and was back at my desk at work at 8:15. At 10am I had a two hour meeting, in which I sucked down a half litre of Dr Pepper and a gram of paracetamol.

I would like to say just how much my friends rock, though. I know everyone says this, but they do and my life is better for it.

The Waste of Ghosts

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

On the morning of 25 September 1915, 40,000 British and French troops lined up for the attack on the heavily fortified German line at Loos. This was no cushy patch of the Western Front. An additional 8,000 men had been drafted in to operate the 5,500 chlorine cylinders set in place for the first ever British gas attack and take part in the biggest push of the war to date. The British artillery, which had been active for the past four days, intensified throughout the night and into the breezy morning. At 5:15 am, so the story goes, Douglas Haig, then in charge of the 1st Division who mounted the attack, looked the swirling smoke rising from his pipe, looked at the leaves rustling rustling on the poplar trees in his the garden of the of his headquarters, and gave the order to release the gas.

At 5:50am the taps were turned on and gas drifted over towards the German lines, flowing low over the ground and seeping into shell holes and listening posts, but the wind changed almost immediately. Private Walter Jones, one of the thousand men who made up the 9th battalion of the King’s Liverpool Regiment, saw that to his left the gas it drifted back and into the trenches of the Middlesex Regiment, forcing them to flee their trenches into the cleaner air above. The German machine guns opened fire and cut them down in an instant. Enemy artillery joined the counter attack with 5.9 inch shells before the British troops had even started their attack. Shrapnel hit the gas cylinders which were not yet half empty, creating mayhem in the trenches.

Richard Trafford, a Private who fought with Walter, said “The wind turned that gas back onto our people, onto our trenches and instead of the Germans getting the gas, our old fellas got it.” Robert Graves, a Captain attached to the Welsh Regiment in the support lines on the left flank, records in “Goodbye to All That”: “The officers of the front trench had to decide on immediate action: so two companies of the Middlesex, instead of waiting for the intense bombardment which would follow the advertised forty minutes of gas, charged at once and got as far as the German wire - which our artillery had not yet cut.”

On the right, the troops around the Ninth ran towards the enemy trenches. One survivor, C.J.T. Johnson, recalled:

“Bayonets were fixed at 6:30am and the first wave of assaulting troops of the First Army scrambled out of their trenches in the fog of gas and smoke, barely able to distinguish a thing, loaded up with bombs, picks and shovels, extra ammunition, etc. Some had their gas masks down as gas was still hanging around in places. When the front was down and tucked into their tunics they could not see anything through their talc covered eyepieces and with the front rolled up the rain caused the chemicals in the flannel to seep out and make the eyes smart.

“As they scaled the parapet several appeared to slip back into the trench again, but on looking more closely it was seen that these men�s masks had a rent in them and the grey flannel was turning red. The advancing men had now disappeared into the swirling mass of smoke and gas into which shells were now bursting, throwing up clods of earth and some of the men with it. The ground was strewn with dead and the movements of the wounded. ”

The first attacks, which took place half an hour after the gas had been released, suffered the heaviest losses. A German regimental diary noted:

“Ten columns in extended line in perfect alignment could clearly be distinguished, each one at more than a thousand men, and offering such a target as had ever been seen before, or even thought possible. Never had the machine-gunners such straightforward work to do nor done it so effectively. They traversed to and fro along the enemy�s ranks unceasingly.

“Our men stood on the fire steps, some even on the parapets and fired in glee into the mass of men advancing across the open ground. As the entire field of fire was covered with the enemy�s infantry the effect was devastating and they could be seen falling literally in hundreds but they continued their march in good order and without interruption.”

By the end of the first 24 hours there were 25,000 casualties. Despite this, the Germans has been surprised by the use of gas and the waves of troops which came forward despite the heavy machine gun fire.

Walter Jones, Richard Trafford and the 9th King�s went over the top at 8am and raided an enemy trench, taking nearly prisoners, including 11 officers, mainly from the German 59th and 157th infantry divisions and contributed to a drive which pushed Western Front back by six miles, an advance not to be repeated for another three years.

Private Trafford said, “It was a shock, really, because although we knew we were in attack, we didn�t expect the losses were going to be like they were. The men were sprawled out all over the barbed wire just like mother�s washing on washing day.”

News of the few successes spread among the troops as did bad news of heavy losses. One soldier�s letter home read:

“We were on the march yesterday when the news came through that the first and second line of German trenches had been taken, of course that cheered us up a lot. We are engaged in the biggest battle of the world now, and a day of two will see us in, but cheer up it will soon be over.”

Why do I tell you this? Because Walter Jones was my grandfather, and the battlefield of Loos is becoming a landfill. I have mixed feelings about this, but they would be half as mixed if my grandfather hadn’t survived. If he had been among the 8,000 men killed that day, I wouldn’t be here, which is why I owe a degree of outrage to him.

Now, the diggers haved moved in and the earth is being turned over one last time to make way for the nappies of the generation he fought to save.

I have stood in that field with a map from 1915 and it is easy to follow the same footpaths and see the isolated farmhouse where his friends would have spent their last night and the dips in the soil where they cowered for safety. Little has changed once the graves were dug and the land returned to farming. I have picked up pieces of broken mugs among the plowed rows with “Staffs. Pottery” written on it and made more grizzly discoveries of human bones, bits of bootleather and artillery shells. I took my dad there and explained the past his own father never talked about when he returned home. History is there, right below the surface, but even that will change.

The same French government who made it illegal for scavengers to remove any artifacts or remains from the battlefields has given permission for the land to be filled in with the waste of modern living. I am not sure if I am more concerned about the waste we produce today or the lack of respect we have for the past.

One thing of which I am certain is that the very least of those chaps who lined up on the morning of 25 September 1914 is more a man than I could ever hope to be. Do me one favour, reader: I know modern life is busy, but spare a thought for their souls when you next get a second.

Dream

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

I overheard part of a conversation in the street the other day. As I walked past this lady, she turned to her friend and said, half joking, “it’s like I’m having someone else’s nightmare”.

I thought about this for a while and wondered what this meant. Is that like dreaming you are being chased by yourself with a knife? If it were a sadist’s nightmare, it could be pretty cushy for the rest of us.

What if they wanted the nightmare’s owner wanted it back. There’s a twist. He could pop up in the dream. I’ll need to develop that one.

Is My Work Here Done?

Sunday, November 7th, 2004

Part of the joy and pain of being a parent is the sense of pride you get when your kids do something you haven’t shown them. Yesterday, to my horror and joy I turned the corner to find this.

Son had, for the first time, built a lego machine from a picture without me showing him how to do it. Part of me thought “GO SON! YOU ROCK! LOOK AT YOU!” and another part thought “he doesn’t need me…”

Of course, these thoughts take a big leap of faith or doubt respectively. I take small comfort in the memory that last week he made a “rocket speed skater” out of lego. I thought it was a swamp boat.

“Daddy,” he said with mock disapproval, “there’s no such thing as swamp boats. Silly.”

He’s wrong but I rose above it.

http://www.yourdictionary.com/ahd/s/s0931700.html

Family Portrait

Sunday, November 7th, 2004

I feel I may have been a little cagey about not revealing too much about the family. You can’t be too careful these days, but in the interests of the public domain, here a likeness that Son did of us this morning.

I didn’t put him up to this, by the way. Like he’d be updating some crappy website for little recognition and no clear purpose… I mean who in their right mind…. Right? lol, kind of.

Recording round at El’s

Friday, November 5th, 2004

I was recording last night at Elliot’s. Did guitars for Time Away and Out of the Blue. OOTB is going to sound great - the drums and bass are really tight and I need to add a Nashville tuning and some saxes for a horn section. I’ve already recorded Time Away myself (which you can hear here) but Elliot has some great mics and a much better recording setup. With headphones on , it almost feels like I am miming along to a cd when I’m actually playing it live because it sounds so professional. Until I hit a bad note, and then I think, “nope, that’s me all right”.

Pikeys

Thursday, November 4th, 2004

The pikeys have landed. To my American cousins, read here to find out what a pikey is. Here’s a more honest desciption. Here’s how they live.

In the town where I live they have moved on to the village green. Last time they were about, the council had to dig a ditch around the park so that they could bring their particular breed of filth to my surrounding. Nice people, some of them, but this new deterrent means that there is no longer a path around it. I don’t know who pays the bills at the council, but they probably figure it’s worth having the ditch dug and the pathway destroyed, then rebuilt late at extra cost, than it is having pikeys on the land and cleaning up after them. That’s saying something if they go to that length to deter people.

This time they filled in the ditch in the middle of the night, because they must have thought a field with a ditch around it in a place where you are not welcome seemed to them a good place to settle with your family.

Now, I respect anyone’s lifestyle as long as they earn a living if they can and respect the rights of others. But the shit these people leave behind is unbelievable. Gas cannisters, sofas, bathtubs, bricks, etc, no environment is safe in their wake. It’s strange that when the they roll into town, sofas start appearing in the woods. Old cookers appear outside Daughter’s school.

So when they settle in my park, I’m not best pleased. Everyone who paid their council tax now has to walk in the mud across the public park to get to the public library. Apart from the inconvenience, that’s just a waste of money. And the library gets muddy, so that’s extra cleaning costs, and the park needs to be de-loused when these pikeys finally fuck off to the next soon-to-be shithole.

You may have gathered than I don’t like them.

Tech Me Back

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004

Things get old fashioned really fast these days.

Technologically, I am stuck way back in 2001, which makes me seem ancient sometimes. I have a psion handhelp computer, a minidisc player, a playstation one. Mind you, back then I cut a fine figure. Now, however, I just sound old.

“I remember the first playstation. We used to get thumbs so sore we couldn’t hold our cappucinos. And there was none of this Sims stuff. We had to make do with Grand Theft Auto and Sonic the Hedgehog. Remember the rings, Chris, all the rings you could collect?”

“Rings, yes.”

“And you couldn’t play on it if you were recording something on your video. No, you had to get a scart splitter for that.”

“Splitter, that’s right.”

John Peel

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004

I should really say something about John Peel. He was an ordinary man who touched the lives of millions. Music today would be different had he never graced the airwaves, and that’s no small thing. Pop music is youth, and youth makes character and character shapes the world. There are lots of songs he would play over the 20 years I listened to him that struck a chord in me, not least Rodeohead, whose twisted genius made me laugh and cry. He was a compere at Glastonbury when I was there, talking from a hidden soundbooth somewhere off the second stage in between the sets while the bands split up. To pass the time, he read the be-docmartinned throng the football scores.

“Right,” he says, “whether or not you deserve it, or even care, I’m going to read you the football scores.” A small ripple of applause from those who weren’t skinning up. A modest salute that sounded like a gathering of nudists sitting down. “Now just to be different I’m going to start with the Scottish results first, because no one ever does that and Christ knows they deserve it.” Several people dispersed among the thousands in the field let out an appreciative cheer, and you know John had made their day. And that’s how it was with him.

So John Peel, wherever you are, I salute you.

The Big Meeting

Monday, November 1st, 2004

Had a meeting with the head of business development for the BBC about content syndication and the upcoming agenda for the US Election. As we discussed the Electoral College vote and the likelihood of a stalemate, she kept glancing at the big smiley crocodile plaster on my thumb. Neither of us mentioned it as we planned a broadcasting strategy for millions of people.