Waiter Sketch
Patron: “Waiter? Waiter.”
Waiter: “Oui, Madame.”
Patron: “I see you have chicken on your menu. Is it free range?”
Waiter: “Non, madame. Ze menu is recycled. It is ze cheecken who is free range.”
Patron: “I see. Was the chicken ethically reared?”
Waiter: “I was not that close to ze cheecken myself. It is a very sad story. I will ask Jean-Claude.”
(Waiter disappears to the kitchen then returns)
Waiter: “I can assure you that zees cheeken lived a life better than those of most Londoners.”
Patron: “Excellent, excellent. See, it’s important to me as a consumer that the food on my plate has not raised inhumanely.”
Waiter: “Of course, Madame.”
Patron: “I also wanted to check that it had not travelled too far to get to my plate.”
Waiter: “Madame?”
Patron: “Food miles. You know, I don’t want to be responsible for my meal to be responsible for CO emissions cause by the unnecessary transport of food to the consumer.”
(Waiter disappears to the kitchen then returns)
Waiter:”Ze cheeken comes from a British regional farm which is family owned.”
Patron: “And can you t-”
Waiter: “The family in question have a 120-year lease on a smallholding constructed using reclaimed limestone and hardwood railway sleepers made from sustainable woodland not connected in any way with South American deforestation.”
Patron (slightly embarassed): “Just one more question.”
Waiter:”Oui, Madame.”
Patron: “Was the chicken placed on a conveyor belt, dunked and stunned in a tank of cold, electricified water before being beheaded by a machine, dumped on a slab, had its arms and wings torn off, been gutted, hosed down and placed dead in a fridge waiting to be cooked and served with vegetables?”
Waiter: “Absolument, Madame”
Patron (handing back menu): “That sounds lovely, thank you.”
October 25th, 2005 at 4:45 pm
Brilliant.