Annual Employee Performance Review
Employee: Jesus Christ
Reports to: God
Achievements
- Successfully turned water into wine on time and to budget.
- Forgave others despite the fact that they clearly did not know what they were doing.
- Fed the 5,000 despite a lack of resources. Vegetarians should have been better catered for.
- Managed a team of twelve disciples.
- Worked closely with Lazarus and subsequently rose from dead.
- Gave presentation on the mount using visual aids and prepared speech in which meek were blessed.
Valued work behaviours
Forgiveness
Turning of other cheeks
Fasting
Manager’s comments
Jesus’s employment has been, on the whole, very successful. Despite working for his father (me), he has conducted himself in a professional manner throughout. His arrest at the hands of the Romans has not affected his standing among his followers and the walking on water had the competition reeling.
Jesus needs to focus the afterlife on the threat from the smaller emerging religions and should not underestimate the power of celebrity endorsements.
He should work on his written skills, instead of delagating the duties to his direct reports.
He should also manage the expectations of the meek and should consider offering a share option scheme instead of them inheriting the Earth.
On the whole, Jesus put in a solid performance and I am sure that he will rise to the challenges that lay ahead in Easter.
Signed: God, Jesus, Human Resources
January 2nd, 2006 at 9:22 am
hahahahaha, yeah you dont know me…i just “stumpled” (read: pressed the ‘next blog button’) onto your blog, and that was one of the funniest things i’ve heard all year :p (all 2 days of it). loved it!
January 3rd, 2006 at 3:33 pm
MEMO
To: God
From: HR
Re: J. Christ
Please schedule a follow-up meeting with me and Jesus to discuss the following points, which I think you may have overlooked:
Gender sensitivity - There have been complaints about the all-male composition of the disciple team. Also, I’ve been hearing worrying rumours of sexual harassment towards one Mary Magdalene. Can we clear this up? Perhaps a training course?
Teamwork - I would like a closer working relationship with the two of you. The organogram shows us as one unit, yet I feel I’ve been left out of a lot of on-the-ground activity. We’ll discuss this.
Customer communication - the guys in marketing are a bit upset that our message has gotten so diluted at key periods (Christmas, Easter). The competition’s work in this field has been ruthless. It starts with chocolate eggs and next thing you know TV shows are inventing “Chrismukkah”. We need Jesus, as the most public face of the company, to stay absolutely on message at all times. Less showmanship, more direct customer care, please.
Looking forward to this little chat.
H Ghost
January 3rd, 2006 at 4:11 pm
Re:Memo
To: HR
From: God
Re: J. Christ
Agreed on all points. I think the public should have visability re: Me.
I’ve been gone too long and I think a spell in the public eye would do me good.
Spoke to Ken in Marketing about the Easter thing and we threw around the idea of eggs made of bread (a la communion). Working title is “breggs” - “Breggs - Easter in the flesh”.
Thoughts?
January 3rd, 2006 at 4:55 pm
To: God
From: HR
Re: Breggs
Interesting idea there, but I’m not sure we’re on the right track. Trendwatchers inform us there’s a certain squeamishness these days about the whole “body of Christ” thing, not sure we want to push the flesh angle.
Here’s a thought: why not send me on a high-profile customer-contact road trip? Remember the old days, when I used to descend on folk at parties? Maybe I could do Vegas. Lots of PR mileage there. Lots of sinners to convert.
Mauritius would be nice, otherwise.
January 5th, 2006 at 9:19 am
:-)
Nice
January 5th, 2006 at 10:48 pm
excellent!
December 22nd, 2008 at 7:37 am
Very nice. Another example of the ineffable workings of the random post generator.