This Is This

or

Police Discussing A Murder Investigation, Based Around The Lyrics Of Carly Simon’s Timeless Smash “You’re So Vain” 

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Precinct boss Martin Kawalski is sitting in a badly lit office with Officers Jesus Ramirez and Joey Standton.

Chief Kawalski: So let’s go over the evidence again.

Officer Ramirez: From the party?

Chief Kawalski: From the party.

Officer Ramirez: OK.

Chief Kawalski: He walked into the party. Witnesses says (flips through notepad) “like he was walking onto a yacht.”

Officer Standton: Whatever that means.

Officer Ramirez: Can it, Standton.

Chief Kawalski: And we know that his hat was strategically dipped, right?

Officer Ramirez: Only below one eye, Chief.

Chief Kawalski: And his scarf was apricot.

Officer Standton: Probably one of those fruitcake parties, Chief.

Officer Ramirez: Knock it off, Standton.

Chief Kawalski: Mrs Doyle says he had the other eye on the mirror as he watched himself (flips through notepad again) “gavotte”.

Officer Standton: Those sick bastards.

Officer Ramirez: …which is when the murder must have taken place. All the girls dreamt that they’d be his parter - it’s the perfect crime.

Chief Kawalski: Exactly. After that, it gets a little sketchy. He had someone several years ago when she was quite naïve. They were a nice couple, he said he’d never leave, but he gave away everyone he loved, including her, possibly poisoning her drink, telling her it would sober her up, as the couple in the kitchen confirm from their statement.

Officer Ramirez: “Clouds in my coffee.”

Officer Standton: Her dying words…

Officer 1: Exactly. Officer Ramirez, what do we know about his movements immediately after the murder?

Officer Ramirez: He says he went up to Saratoga, where his horse won.

Chief Kawalski: Naturally.

Officer Ramirez: He then flew his Lear Jet up to Nova Scotia.

Officer Standton: Chief, the landing records for Halifax International for two days after the murder show that the suspect’s jet did land there, inbound from New York.

Chief Kawalski: Except there was no total eclipse of the sun on the day of the crime. The total eclipse took place two days before, directly over Martha’s Vineyard.

Officer Ramirez: …Where the party was being held.

Chief Kawalski: And when the everyone was distracted, that’s when he did it.

Officer Ramirez: And he was in the right place they whole time, except when he was with some underground spy or the wife of a close friend.

Officer Standton: Which we can’t prove.

Chief Kawalski: And without that we don’t have a case.

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