TV Quick Hits
The days you can make a programme on the TV if you have a good title.
That’s it.
Mostly, anyway. Stick in a couple of B list celebrities, one ailing A lister host, bimbo sidekick, regional voiceover artist, lunch at the Ivy with a producer and you’re all set.
Last night they had this show on called Excuse My French, where Ron Atkinson and Esther Rantzen shack up in a villa in Provence and learn French.
And that’s it. All in the title. Change one word and make it a pun - you’re good to go.
This follows in the same footsteps as Only Fools On Horses, and Never Mind The Full Stops. So here are a few ideas of my own:
Pilates Of The Caribbean
Famous faces get makeovers and yoga therapy on a pirate theme, but who will be first to walk the plank? Treatments include Arrrrr-uveda, Smooth Man’s Chest and essential parrot fashion advice.
Personnel Jesus
Human Resources departments from rival companies put a series of pitches together. First to get twelve disciples wins.
Noise In The Hood
Gagged stars with cloaked heads identify mystery sounds.
Home Despot
Former dictators swap countries and give them a new look using only the respective nations’ annual budgets.
Welcome To The Bungle
Comeback show for Rainbow’s cuddliest bear. Celebrities battle it out in a high octane, heavy metal fuelled dash across the rainforests of Borneo. By George, they better be Zippy!
Old Man Liver
The transplant show with a difference. Recovering alcoholic stars get a lesson in the dangers of drinking and they’ll need a steady hand in the operating theatre when the pressure’s on.
Klu Klux Flan
Celebrity bigots have pots of fun when panel show meetings cookery programme. It’s a racist against the clock, there are recipes for disaster and this is dessert warfare.
July 19th, 2006 at 12:09 pm
Superb!
How about… The Frying Scotsmen - Richard Wilson, Alan Hansen and Nicky Campbell open up competing chip shops. The winner wins their very own chippy!
July 19th, 2006 at 4:48 pm
Pulp Friction? (Cookery of course… the perils of Juicing!)
July 19th, 2006 at 5:17 pm
Strong Man - the show where you REALLY don’t want to be downwind.
July 21st, 2006 at 8:23 am
“Old Man Liver”
*chortle*
July 21st, 2006 at 7:53 pm
“One foot in the Rave” - Septegenarian TV ’stars’ are taken to a central London all-night club. The last one standing wins. Pharmacuetical assistance is actively encouraged.
“Bluey Peter” - Fly on the wall documentary following celebrity Peters, such as Duncan, Mandleson, and Andre as they are coached on their way to their adult-movie debut.
“Question Mime” - Topical politics show with only deaf guests and a mute audience.
“Big Bladder” - D-List celebs are given copius amounts of water that must be consumed whilst locked in a clear perspex box. The last one to wet themselves wins.
July 21st, 2006 at 9:37 pm
Love it, everyone.
“A Question of Port” - Panel game in which two teams drink large amounts of fortified wine and attempt to predict “what happens next”.