This Is This

This ain't something else

Archive for August, 2006

T’China In Your Hand

Thursday, August 31st, 2006

I always wondered if the “T” in “T’Pau” was a colloquial Yorkshire prefix for a band that was originally called, simply, “Pau”.

“Ey up, I’m off to Corn Exchange to see new band with that Carol Decker lass. Nowt wrong there, lad.”

“Oh, aye, champion. ‘appen be T’Pau.”

What would Loiners make of The The? “T’T”?

Or Mott T’oople?

Speaking of Yorkshire accents, I used to travel up to Leeds once a week and the conductor on the train would always point out where the “smirking car” was. I was always tempted to go in there and do my Anne Robinson impersonation.

——-

Three Word Story

“You don’t understand your power over the common man,” said Alistair Campbell.

The words seemed to echo endlessly around their cell. Digging a tunnel had proved fruitless and oddly phallic. Finding a vein had been the

(Latest words by JonnyB)
What happens next? Up to you.
Email your three words

Apocalypse Wow

Wednesday, August 30th, 2006

Just once, I would like to to hear a conductor introduce a performance of The Flight of the Valkyries with the words:

“This is a song Francis Ford Coppola stole from Wagner. We’re stealing it back.”

Category: Winging Proms

——————————— 

Three Word Story

“You don’t understand your power over the common man,” said Alistair Campbell.

The words seemed to echo endlessly around their cell. Digging a tunnel had proved fruitless and oddly phallic. Finding a vein…

(Latest words by Jeremy)
What happens next? Up to you.
Email your three words

Quiz: Transformer Or New Wave Band?

Tuesday, August 29th, 2006

Think you grew up in the 80’s? With Transformers making a comeback, let’s find out how much you know.  

Transformer or New Wave band:

Hardware
Mirage
Perceptor
O-Phase
Scattershot
Aneka
Camouflage
Icehouse
Kino
Metropolis
Volt
Tempest
Re-Flex
Yazoo
Black Omen
Colossus
Dogfight
Trap

Scroll down for answers

 ….

 

 

 

New Wave 80’s Bands: Hardware, Icehouse, Kino, Metropolis, O-Phase, Re-Flex, Yazoo, Aneka, Camouflage
Transformers: Black Omen, Colossus, Dogfight, Mirage, Perceptor, Scattershot, Trap, Volt, Tempest

Lord Of The Things

Sunday, August 27th, 2006

The griffin is a mighty beast.
A lion, but with wings.
It livens up the dullest verse
like many mystic things.

And Pegasus can do the same
(that’s wings upon a horse).
But neither creature helps with rhymes
which go from bad to worse.

——
Three Word Story

“You don’t understand your power over the common man,” said Alistair Campbell.

The words seemed to echo endlessly around their cell. Digging a tunnel had proved fruitless and oddly phallic. Finding a vein…

(Latest words by Jeremy)
What happens next? Up to you.
Email your three words

True Or False - Explanations

Saturday, August 26th, 2006

OK - clearly I have some explaining to do.

Katie says:

Cliff, I hate to big up your bad-boy status, but if you were cautioned in a UK police station you must have been either arrested or summonsed for something first… *apologetic grimace*

I thought when you are stopped and picked up by police and they question you and let you go for something even though you’ve broken the law, then that’s a caution. Maybe it’s a warning. Anyway - word to my homeys. In Wales.

She then has audacious timerity out which to point:

… and also I thought that the sax player on “Baker Street” was Raphael Ravenscroft. I am starting to feel like the little boy in “The Emperor’s New Clothes”.

Correct! The sax player on the song was Raf Ravenscroft. A friend of mine worked for him in a studio and I went round there one day to do a bit of recording. The sax was lying around there, so I played it. The one on Baker Street. I played it. And yes, I did the riff.

The Bob Holness thing is an urban myth, and a brilliant one because Bob gets asked about it to this day. I do have a good story about Baker Street, though:

Raf Ravenscroft discovered a few short years ago that he was never paid for that session. His friends urged him to get in touch with the record company and collect his millions for his part on the wordwide smash hit. He wrote to the company and they said “Yes indeed, it turns out we owe you some money. Cheque’s in the mail.”

A few weeks later, when the royalty cheque arrived in the post, Raf opened it, fully expecting that his boat had come in. The letter in the envelope offered the record company’s apology for not having paid him sooner. As he said, they did owe him money for the session and please find enclosed the (measly) fifty pounds as promised for the session.

Instead of banking it, the cheque for £50 is on the wall as a talking point. Fifty quid for one of most famous sax riffs in popular music.

True Or False Answers

Friday, August 25th, 2006

1. I have met up with people I first met online. False
2. My life has been saved by a first aider. True
3. I have been arrested. False - I have been cautioned
4. I have broken bones. True
5. I have flown a plane. True
6. I have interviewed a country’s president. True
7. I have been questioned by the FBI. False - I was questioned for two hours by US immigration officials
8. I was in the army. False - I went to Sandhurst for one day but changed my mind and didn’t turn up to the medical
9. I was in Iraq when the Iraq invaded Kuwait. False - I was sleeping on someone’s roof about 200 miles from the border
10. I have been interviewed on Columbian national television. False - it was Canadian
11. My parents ran a stage school. False
12. I was at the final match of the 1980 World Series. False - I have a ball from the final match of the 1980 World Series
13. I have had brain surgery. False - I had a brain scan after debilitating pounding headaches
14. I have been backstage at a Rolling Stones concert. False - it was Pink Floyd
15. I have been adrift at sea for four days. False
16. I once went missing in the woods for two days and had to survive by drinking spring water before I finally found a road, then a town before being rescued. True
17. I have raced across London in a police car at high speed, sirens wailing. True
18. I have been refused service in a bar because I was too drunk. False - which which leads me to think: just how drunk do you have to be?
19. I have done standup comedy. False
20. I co-wrote an episode of The Fresh Prince. False
21. I have written a front page article on a national newspaper. True
22. I played the saxophone on the Jerry Rafferty hit “Baker Street”. True

————-
Three Word Story
“You don’t understand your power over the common man,” said Alistair Campbell.

The words seemed to echo endlessly around their cell. Digging a tunnel had proved fruitless and oddly phallic. Finding a vein…

(Latest words by Jeremy)
What happens next? Up to you.
Email your three words

True Or False

Thursday, August 24th, 2006

1. I have met up with people I first met online
2. My life has been saved by a first aider
3. I have been arrested
4. I have broken bones
5. I have flown a plane
6. I have interviewed a country’s president
7. I have been questioned by the FBI
8. I was in the army
9. I was in Iraq when the Iraq invaded Kuwait
10. I have been interviewed on Columbian national television
11. My parents ran a stage school
12. I was at the 1980 World Series
13. I have had brain surgery
14. I have been backstage at a Rolling Stones concert
15. I have been adrift at sea for four days
16. I once went missing in the woods for two days and had to survive by drinking spring water before I finally found a road, then a town before being rescued
17. I have raced across London in a police car at high speed, sirens wailing
18. I have been refused service in a bar because I was too drunk
19. I have done standup comedy
20. I co-wrote an episode of The Fresh Prince
21. I have written a front page article on a national newspaper
22. I played the saxophone on the Jerry Rafferty hit “Baker Street”

Answers tomorrow

————-
Three Word Story
“You don’t understand your power over the common man,” said Alistair Campbell.

The words seemed to echo endlessly around their cell. Digging a tunnel had proved fruitless and oddly phallic.

(Latest words by Leemer)
What happens next? Up to you.
Email your three words

It Ain’t Me

Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006

I never got Bob Dylan much. He’s good, but I didn’t get the adulation. I guess he staved off glam rock for a few years, but apart from that I always though he was over-rated.

Some songs he does are great though. I’ll Be Your Baby Tonight and Don’t Think Twice It’s All Right are good. I like the way they are easy to play and Blowing In The Wind was the first song I learned on guitar. And here’s the thing - I still can’t play it.

I mean I can PLAY it. Jeez. Sure. What? Three chords? Please

But I can’t play it.

I was up till early hours this morning playing Don’t Think Twice and even though I was doing the picking and the chords and hammering on and palm muting and lots of other things that make me sound accomplished, it sounded like me. That’s something I’ve grown comfortable being, but I wanted to sound like Bob this once.

And maybe that’s it. People like him because it’s nothing but himself. It’s the style over substance thing again. It’s the way that he does it rather than what he does.

Like when you’re on holiday and you have a marguerita. Its tastes amazing the way they make it. Then when you get home you look up how to make them and you get your techila and limes, salt and everything else, but while the sun may shine, the marguerita’s not doing it for you.

And because the simplest things can bring out the biggest differences in how we do things. It’ll get lost in the complicated stuff, too.

But the basics: our first waking moment of a day, the sound of a soft vowel from our mouths, the way you get up out of a chair, picking up a guitar and, yes, especially your margueritas - it’ll bring it out of you and don’t hope for anything too far from what you get, because that’s yourself right there.

——————–
Three Word Story
“You don’t understand your power over the common man,” said Alistair Campbell.

The words seemed to echo endlessly around their cell. Digging a tunnel had proved fruitless

(Latest words by Clair)
What happens next? Up to you.
Email your three words

Nutrition Advice

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

Me: I need to eat some more fresh vegetables.

Wife: You need fruit and veg. You should have five portions. You need more.

Me (defiantly): Grapes.

The fact that I was shaking a glass of wine at her probably shows how little I know.

——————–

Three Word Story
“You don’t understand your power over the common man,” said Alistair Campbell.

The words seemed to echo endlessly around their cell. Digging a tunnel.

(Latest words by: Adam Cathro)
What happens next? Up to you.
Email your three words

Escher, Check It Out

Monday, August 21st, 2006

 


You think?

 

Tomorrow: Nutrition advice

—————-
Three Word Story
“You don’t understand your power over the common man,” said Alistair Campbell.

The words seemed to echo endlessly around their cell.

(Latest words by:
Tattiehead, Jonnyb, meesteryan and anon.)
What happens next? Up to you.
Email your three words

Three Word Story - Part 3

Sunday, August 20th, 2006

“You don’t understand your power over the common man.”

———————————–
Latest words by:
anon 

What happens next? Up to you.

Email your three words

Your email address will not be published. Include your name or taghandle if you want to be mentioned, otherwise you’re anon.

One story, three words at a time. Here’s the idea.

Three Word Story Already

Saturday, August 19th, 2006

We have an entry already. We have literally doubled the word quota, and it’s a page turner.

“You don’t understand your power over

———–

Latest words by:
Harriet

Half an hour later - OK - I’m getting a few entries. You can read the latest updates at the I’ve created called Three Word Story in the nav on the right for all your favourites and friends.

Three Word Story

Friday, August 18th, 2006

Here we go.

Every day, at the end of each post, I’ll add three words to a story.

It’s a story written by us. I’ve no idea what it will be about, because that’s up to you. You’ll send in an email with your suggestion of the next three words which I’ll pick and so it goes.

So I say:

It was morning

and you send an email saying:

in Gotham City

or:

but the sun

and I pick what goes in next, so the story the next day is:

It was morning, but the sun

and you may say:

was shining overhead

or:

took its time

and I pick:

It was morning, but the sun was shining overhead

and suddenly we’re in the Antarctic! The possibilities keep opening as the story expands.

Last week we had the funnies, this week we’ve got classic lit.

Ready?

“You don’t understand”

Email your three words

Your email address will not be published. Include your name or taghandle if you want to be mentioned, otherwise you’re anon.

The first three words of the story are:

“You don’t understand”

Remember, if this doesn’t take of, it’s your fault. No pressure, but it’s already in the nav bar. I’m just saying.

Email your three words

Monday: Escher, Check It Out

Change And Create

Thursday, August 17th, 2006

Sooz asked yesterday if I drew the cartoons at the top of the posts over the last two weeks as part of the funniest trial period.

I don’t, but thanks for asking. I was reading a comic book to my son and the supporting protagonist (can you have that?) was called Cliff so I scanned in the frames and rearranged them so it looked like I planned it.

The strip ends tomorrow, by the way, but I won’t spoil it.

I’m not a really good drawer, but the illustration on this and my handwriting in the banner at the top of the page could have told you that. 

I’m not very good at crafts either. But while I may put the crapbook in scrapbook, I’m pretty good at fixing things around the house. I can build walls, lay paving and generally be handy, and that’s creative. Watching a wall being built really well or an expert plasterer is no less a display of excellence than watching an artist at work.

So I’ve been making some changes to the blog. I’ve reduced the number of posts on the main page to 5 because the picture weight might mean slower loading times for people. You can still see the ten most recent posts in the nav and I added a recent comments section.

I’ve also started publishing in the evening (UK time) instead of mornings because I don’t post to this site while I am work. That whole Petite Anglaise thing scares the hell out of me and if employers are going to be that tetchy, there’s a lesson there for everyone. Courage, la Petite.

In the nav here you can also see some pics from flickr, so go in and have a look, leave comments, ask questions - whatever you think is right.

Tomorrow: Three Word Story.

Waving Not Frowning

Wednesday, August 16th, 2006

There are many things that we don’t need. Henry David Thoreau, who I talked about yesterday, also said: 

Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify.

And with this in mind I have ended a relationship which has been a part of my life for twenty five years. In has sustained me and saved me time and asked for nothing in return. And I didn’t even stick around for the silver anniversary.

Yes, I have thrown away my microwave oven.

Evan Smith was the first person I knew who had a microwave, and in 1981 I remember going over to his house with Lenny Graziano just to cook stuff. With empty stomachs and wide eyes we used to watch as it cooked hot dogs three minutes.

Three minutes! The machine that turns food! It uses magic: see how it heats stuff!

Now that the babies have grown up (microwaves are great for warming milk and sterilising), the only thing I use it for is defrosting peas or corn and it takes up a lot of room. I’m a vegetarian, so I eat a lot of cold stuff anyway. I make stir fries or pasta which you have to stand over and actually cook. Sometimes I buy prepared things in foil with pastry or sauce that would be disgusting if it didn’t have some crispy flakey goodness that only conventional ovens can offer.

So it’s a big wave to the microwave hello to good old fashioned boiling stuff.

The heat is (boom boom boom boom) on. 

Nine Rooms - Week 9

Wednesday, August 16th, 2006

Week 9 is now live.

This week on Nine Rooms
The Reg returns, bringing Joey’s past with him. Nick hatches a plan, Claire tries to make sense of that and more, Alan’s doing his thing and Gina’s in another world.

Nine Rooms is a dramatic comedy on the web based around five characters who share a house in Bethnal Green in London. You can follow the story by visiting the characters’ blogs, which are updated every Tuesday with their own perspective on events.

Nine Rooms updates every Tuesday - Gina - Nick - Claire - Alan - Joey

Thoreau Less Travelled

Tuesday, August 15th, 2006

 

 

You want to pay attention to the chords that strike. They are almost certainly trying to tell you something you need to know. So when I stumbled across this by Henry David Thoreau, over the weekend, I knew heed needed to be taken:

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.

I realise that a lot of the time I write about opinions and values and the like so I’ll resolve this week to talk about things that actually happen.

Thoreau wrote in Civil Disobedience:

“The government is best that governs least…That government is best which governs not at all. –and when men are prepared for it, that will be the kind of government which they will have. I think we should be men first, and subjects afterward…..The only obligation which I have a right to assume is to do at any time what I think is right.”

Last night this guy was driving behind me talking on his mobile. He was no more that 6 feet from my rear bumper, left hand on the wheel, right hand on his phone, as we sped along a windy country road. It was eight in the evening and I was going to do some work nearby and the roads were empty apart from us.

People who drive using their phone are morons. I’m a moron when I do it, because I can not concentrate on the road at the same time. I have found myself hanging up on a call on the motorway to discover that I am going 45 miles an hour in the middle lane with a column of angry drivers behind me. So I try not to do it. When I answer the phone, I normally put the caller on speaker and bellow into it: “Hello — I’m in the car! I’ll call you back!!!” -and that’s only when I really have to answer it.

But this guy was talking on the phone, on a sixty mile an hour road right up my arse.

So I slowed down to forty. There was no way he could pass because it was a windy road and he kept on jabbering and smiling as he spoke.

So I slowed down to thirty five. Which was funny, because he had to slow down and change gear, which involved him wedging the phone between his cheek and shoulder, grabbing the wheel and changing gear, then getting the phone back into his hand to carry on his conversation.

I had to change gear, too, but it was no problem because I wasn’t jabbering on the phone. My engine had been labouring in fifth gear, but was more comfortable in fourth, as his was.

I could see him looking at me and getting annoyed, but he couldn’t pay that much attention to me, because he was trying to drive and have his conversation.

So I slowed down to twenty five. This is on a sixty mile an hour road, right? I slowed down because I know that cars don’t like going along at twenty in fourth gear, so I changed down to third. And eventually, so did he, going the same facegrab ten-point manoeuvre he did before.

Then I sped up to thirty five, because cars don’t like going along at thirty five in third gear. I changed back into fourth and he did eventually. He was driving so close I could hear his engine revving under the effort before he did his convoluted gear change.

So I slowed down again and put him back into third gear and further into fits of rage. This carried on for about five minutes, which at thirty five miles and hour is …uhhh …. three miles? No, four. Some distance anyway.

I kept checking him in the rearview mirror and when he hung up the phone I put my foot down, went back up to sixty and pulled away from him, just to show him that, yes, I knew what the fucking speed limit was and yes, I was trying to piss you off.

Civil disobedience.

The only obligation which I have a right to assume is to do at any time what I think is right.

There are worse rules than that to live by.

Strangers On A Train

Monday, August 14th, 2006

 

At least once in your life, you’re going to meet a stranger you will stick in your head. This person will stroll out of your existence as silently as they entered, mysteriously portraying an indiscernible significance. Their arrival is neither consistent nor predictable.

Mine occurred fifteen years ago on the 2213 from London Waterloo to Windsor Riverside. Having just visited some friends from school, I boarded the train at Platform 17, as I did at least once a fortnight. I walked through the doors and found a seat. I shared a carriage with the five familiar characters of night-time rail travel: the overtime businessman reading the late edition of the Standard, the defensive woman sitting at a strategic vantage point, the couple kissing and giggling to each other (going back to his place or hers) and the drunk, who was quiet.

A man of reasonable height, wearing a long black overcoat stepped on board. The doors closed behind him.

He walked to where I was sitting by the door and sat opposite me. He looked at me, so I smiled politely and nodded. I detest people who don’t even acknowledge your presence. I know someone who always makes friends on trains whose approach is to say, “Why don’t people talk on trains anymore?”

He smiled back. He was clean, but badly shaven and had dishevelled hair. The train left the station.

The drunk rose almost immediately from his seat and began dancing to himself, and the defensive woman buried her head in a book. Mr. Overtime looked up and ruffled his newspaper into position before returning to it. The couple looked at him, he said something and she giggled. My companion and I blatantly stared at him until I said, “Looks like someone’s had too much to drink,” which was a calamitously stupid statement.

The stranger said, “They’ll take care of him.”

The train pulled into the next station and three guards carried him out.

“You live in London?” asked the stranger.
“No, I’m getting off in a couple of stops. Someone’s meeting me at the station.” I was being cautious.

We were quiet for about a minute while we looked out the window at the dark countryside rushing by.

“So,” he said, still looking out the window, “you’re a student.”

I nodded.

“English, French and what?”

I looked at him, intrigued. I took English, French and History.

“Hold on,” he said before a pause, “-Geography.”

“History.”

He shook his head and look angry for getting it wrong, as if he should have known.

“How did you know?”

He shrugged his shoulders.

“How did you know?” I repeated.

He shrugged his shoulders again.

“So what are you?” I asked

He floated his left hand in front of him and ran his right hand up to it in a stabbing action. I looked puzzled.

“Pool.”

“For a living?”

He nodded.

“You shoot pool for a living?”

“I go around pool halls. You can’t stay in one place too long; can’t let them get to know you.” That was the longest sentence I ever heard him say. He produced a fistful of five pound notes.

“Are you any good?”

He plunged a hand into another pocket and brought out more money. I nodded. “Trouble is,” he said, “there aren’t enough halls. Are there any near you? In Windsor, I mean.”

I was going to Windsor, which was five stops down the line. I didn’t ask how he knew, and tried to ignore it. I looked out the window, and said I didn’t know of any. When I looked back at him, he was smiling contentedly to himself.
“So where do you live?” I asked.

“Sunnymeads.” An expensive place.

“Who with?”

“My mother.”

I didn’t want to pry, but he didn’t seem to mind me asking to many questions.

“What does she do?”

“Nothing.”

He could see another question coming, so he explained, “We get by on my wages.”

“From pool?”

“It’s a decent life.”

The train rolled on through the void and he stepped out at Sunnymeads, turning to wish me good luck at school. I wished him good luck with the pool.

 ”There’s no luck in pool,” he said.

Right, Cheers

Saturday, August 12th, 2006

Conversation today 

Me: So what’s the best address to get you on. I never know - is it work_email@employer.com or personal_email@isp.com?

Kazek: Either one, it doesn’t matter.

Me: OK, cool.

Kazek: Yeah, I’ve got you blocked on both of them.

Read more on Kazek

It’s Going Downhill

Friday, August 11th, 2006


Have a good weekend, yeah. I’m going to spend mine on an offshore oil rig.

Actually, it’s off-offshore. It’s kind of experimental stuff, but the reviews have been good and we’re starting to get noticed. No oil yet, but that’s not the point.

And read Nine Rooms. I think it’s a good idea and I don’t want this to be my Tin Machine.

Is It Some Planes?

Thursday, August 10th, 2006


So now that you’ve got us driving everywhere are you going to bomb the roads?

I’m all for going about my daily life. I’m not afraid, because I now know that the rare sight of helicopters beating over my house in the Thames valley last night were looking for you.

I’m looking out the window of this bus and I can see that the planes are landing again at Heathrow (time now being 5:30pm), but really, if I’m honest: rather them than me.

Today was a great example of the authorities doing a good job when they catch these clowns.

The government should not be there to tell me that I have to put my six year old kid back in a booster seat because he isn’t quite tall enough to be exempt from the new regulations. It can’t be expected to take into account the fact that my car is among the safest in its class, something that influenced my buying decision. Or that I am the best judge of our safety. My son hasn’t been in a child seat for two years, but Tony’s cronies think they know better.

Life is too safe these day. And it’s crazy when other people make it an offence to do something which may be unsafe.

There are many things I did as a kid which are now illegal. These include:

  • Buying glue
  • Sitting in the front seat without a booster
  • Sitting in the back seat without a seat belt (we didn’t have them - it was a 1975 Caprice Classic, as used by state troopers throughout the disco era)
  • Carrying (and often throwing) a knife
  • Watching movies with swearing in them
  • Swearing
  • Consuming flavourings and colourings which have probably since been banned by the Geneva Convention

The government should be there to protect us and defend us (from genuinely dangerous things) and that’s it.

Good work today though, folks.

Is It A Bird?

Wednesday, August 9th, 2006

Yesterday afternoon I went for a walk near behind where I work and saw a rat on the pavement in front of me. There is was about thirty feet in front of me on my side of the street just sitting there with its long tail spread out before me as I walked towards it.

Round about rat minus twenty feet, it scampered away. Scampered. You read me? Not scuttled. Scampered.

You know like when you pick up a drink expecting one thing and it turns out to be something else? There’s that sickening moment of confusion before you realise what it is and you’re thinking: “Ew ew ew! Not milk! This isn’t milk! Uh oh.., Wait. Oh. Juice? Is it, yeah? Hehe. Juice. It’s OK, it’s juice.” And then everything’s fine again. Well, it turns out you get that when you are watching a rat which turns out to be a bald squirrel.

It had the big hind legs and the pointy head with big eyes of a rat but a tail which flicked and thrashed. The tail gave it away. It was a squirrel, but it was totally bare. And you don’t really notice how long a squirrel’s tail is until you see a bald one.

I kept walking towards it and it went off towards a house and ducked down the alleyway. It was probably banished from the squirrel community and had taken to living on the ground. Or maybe it was proud and was setting a trend. It could have been one of those metrosexual London squirrels trying to cope with the heatwave.

I called my friend Ben right away and told him the story, then I asked how he was.

“Kind of busy,” he said.

“Really?” I asked. “What’s up?”

“Oh you know,” he said, “job stuff.”

Ben didn’t really appreciate the significance of my find.

It really got me thinking though and I couldn’t concentrate during my next meeting back in the office.

I mean, a bald cat doesn’t look like anything else, but a squirrel changes completely. 

 It’s wierd.

So now I wonder if a crimped rat would you fool anyone if it got the tail moves down.

This post has nothing to do with the picture above it, but you can still follow the comic anyway every weekday over the next two weeks.

Throw Me The Idol

Wednesday, August 9th, 2006

 

My boyhood hero - or one of my heroes in a boyhood full of them - was Ron Jaworski, the starting quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. For a ten year old kid from the north of England living in rural Pennsylvania, it’s a pretty strange idol, but if you had seen him take the Birds to the Superbowl against the Oakland Raiders, under the exact same circumstances, you would have felt the same.

Our paths crossed a few times. One of our neighbours designed Veterans Stadium, where the Eagles played. Coach Dick Vermeil’s wife played on the tennis courts by the pool where we went swimming and when I was in hospital having physiotherapy, my nurse was the same one who in the days before had worked on Bill Bergey’s knee when he had it ripped from under him in a headline-hitting injury.

This gave me enough evidence to suggest that my life and that of the man they called ”The Polish Rifle” were somehow interconnected, because that’s how idolation works in the pre-adolescent mind. But of course, we never met and I left the States and became a fan of other a hundred other things in successions that slowed as I got older.

More important than that was this morning when I did something not cool on the way to work. A driver stopped at a crossing to let me pass and as I stepped into the road I gave him a wave and a thumbs up. A thumbs up is fine, but when you do it, make sure you actually put your thumb up. That’s a pretty essential element. It’s how it got its name. I forgot to put my thumb up. Well, I say forgot, but it’s possible the finger part of my brain just didn’t respond. Or it did and thought “a thumb’s not a finger, haha”. Either way, the thumb stayed down.

This wouldn’t normally be a huge disaster in the nadir (or perhaps zenith?) of my working week, but what I actually gave him was the black power salute. I am white. I carry a laptop bag and wear a cord jacket. By all outward appearances this is not the usual dispatcher of a black power salute. Note to me: wet Wednesday mornings in London are not the 1968 Olympics.

Yesterday New Reader Martin pointed out that the good folks at MSN had selected this here webstie was selected as one of the Top 5 “Must Read” blogs. Yeah, little old this.

I wanted to say that this is a very cool thing, even at the risk of not being one myself. I’ve no idea if it is a “must read”. I mean, I “must read” it, because if I didn’t there would be loads of mistakes, but really, you don’t have to. I know that’s what it says, but it’s fine with me if you don’t.

“Can read” maybe. Or just “read”, if you want to. But it’s great to be mentioned alongside other blogs, notably “My Boyfriend Is A Twat“, which is hilarious. My boyfriend is not a twat. I wouldn’t know about that anyway, because I don’t have one.

So thanks New Reader Martin and welcome if you are also new (nav bar over there, we got some archives and things, stuff about what this is) and welcome back if you’re not and thanks for sticking around.

Nine Rooms - Week 8

Tuesday, August 8th, 2006

Week 8 is now live.

In case you didn’t know, Nine Rooms is a dramatic comedy on the web based around five characters who share a house in Bethnal Green in London. You can follow the story by visiting the characters’ blogs, which are updated every Tuesday with their own perspective on events.

Nine Rooms is produced and directed by me and scripted by four brilliant and talented writers. OK, me and three brilliant and talented writers, but we’re joined next week by a new recruit in the shape of a very cool lady who will write Claire Hardwick.

This week on Nine Rooms
Gina finds out the truth, Joey still can’t find The Reg, Nick talks about selling up, Claire thinks about settling down and Alan’s just unbelievable.

Cheers all.

Nine Rooms updates every Tuesday - Gina - Nick - Claire - Alan - Joey

Seven Year Itch

Tuesday, August 8th, 2006

They say that the thrill of desire goes from a marriage after seven years. I think this extends to any passion and there’s enough evidence to support this.

I don’t know what it is, but seven years seems to be the statute of limitations on affection. Look at how many great TV shows call it a day (or overstay their welcome) after this time. Really great shows, too: West Wing, Only Fools and Horses.

Bands stay in the limelight, the serious limelight, for about seven years and then they disappear, without having changed their sound much. Remember Britpop? Oasis? Shed Seven - they knew the score. Remember grunge? Seven years. Count it off.

When I was about 12, pre-girls and post Star Wars, I loved skiing more than almost everything. I would go skiing almost every weekend there were mountains near me, which was most of the time in those days. It’s what I wanted to do with my holidays too and I loved it. But guess how long it lasted.

So what happens with new media, where a lot of great websites started up around the same time? Are they all going to lose their place in the sun together? If so, that’s happening now, since a lot of the really good ones started up around 1998 or 99. Maybe blogs are the next thing. I’m not sure. Apologies to the people who had blogs way back then. You guys were the front runners and you deserve all the esteem Jonnies Come Lately* like me have for you.

What I do know is that you’ve got to strike while the iron is hot, because life changes, and I think the cycle is seven years. I’d be the first to admit how crazy that sounds, but when you look at public opinion, fashions, tastes, wars (WW2, Vietnam) - look to the sevens.

*Or is it Jonny Comes Latelies? No, it’s “Jonnies Come Lately” because “Come Lately” describes what the noun (Jonnies) do. Remember your West Wing - Surgeons General and Courts Martial.

Howard Gets Extreme

Sunday, August 6th, 2006

I wonder, just in the back of my mind (which I find is the best place to do wondering), if half the people who do extreme sports would still do them if there were no people watching.

A colleague of mine the other week asked how my weekend was. I think I finished grouting the bathroom, but I just said it was fine and finished making coffee.

“Yours?”

“Oh,” he said, “I went parasailing,” he said.

He added the “oh” like it he had just remembered how extreme he was.

“Wow. Is that the thing where you run with the parachute off the hill?”

“Yeah.”

“Where do you do that?” - even though I wanted to end the conversation by saying “Sugar?” and when he said yes I would have said: “Course you do man - you crazy fucker.”

“Oh, Brighton,” he said.

“Oh.”

“You get good thermals there.”

My only experience of thermals are really thick pants with legs on them, which I would probably wear if I were grouting on really cold days, but I could tell that he wanted to talk about it and maybe in the process gel the nickname he’d been trying out all weekend. “H-Dawg”, or possibly “The Howster”. No, he was Howard from advertising.

The retorts stacked up in a holding pattern in my head.
 
Unimpressed: “Oh, the thermals. Me and the wife sometimes go there just for the thermals.”
One upmanship: “You paragliders really piss me off, you know that? I can’t fly my glider anymore because you guys always bogart the thermals.”
Insulting: “I didn’t get out myself. I was having a threesome with both your mothers.”

But we spoke a bit and it was interesting, but I wonder if he would have done it if no one would ever find out.

Whenever something else is branded an extreme sport, there are people putting grouting on hold to line up and put their necks and bathrooms on the line for a good story on Monday morning and a picture on the their wall at home.

If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it, does the sound even matter?

For the next twelve posts, there’s going to be a comic strip for you to follow every day. Yeah, a Funnies section. I’m branching out. Look at me - watch how I’m all branching and stuff.

Being Served

Friday, August 4th, 2006

In a busy cafeteria, I don’t like sitting at a table to hold it while someone goes up to order the food.

It’s a gripe of mine, along with people who stand at the top of escalators or folks who use their mobile phones at cash machines.

But I appreciate that having a family means putting ourselves before others because either a) everyone will understand, or b) fuck ‘em.

So in order to keep my principles intact, wife and kids get a table while I go up, armed with guidelines as to who wants what unless they’ve got the stuff in which case that’s fine except if it’s like the thing at the other place, then just get two of what I’m having but not for the kids who are happy with the usual. I think.

When I place the order, having second-guessed every outcome, the person asks some routine questions about side-dish options or types of bread and I have to signal to the seating area.

While I’m trying to mime “potato salad” to my wife, there is a growing herd of irate would-be diners behind me. Every question from behind the counter involves me trying to get an answer from my wife until it looks like I am attempting to help the staff instead of the other way around.

Previously (that was that):
Other ways in which I am not cool
Cool songs by uncool people
Cool Week

BEEEEEEP

Friday, August 4th, 2006

*Beep*

Your blog site’s down. AUGH!

*Beep*

I Am Not Cool

Thursday, August 3rd, 2006

On holiday, I am not cool.

Some examples from mine last week:

Shorts
I wear shorts with the pockets stuffed full and bulging. This is what dads do, I think. This is what my dad did when he was on holiday and I think I should, too. I also drum on the steering wheel and express my appreciation for beer to my non-drinking entourage. But pockets: keys, wallet, notes and receipts. When I should be idling, I jangle, and sometimes vice-versa.

Changing Rooms
I don’t like or trust people who feel too comfortable with their own nudity. Some people are just that little bit too confident when they are naked in a public place. It’s OK with intimate nudity, but in public: it’s not my thing. Or my thing. Woah. Hey.

Try to be a little self conscious, OK, pal? A bit of humility would do us all some good.

For some people, the social terms of engagement upon leaving the pool are:
1. Soaking Wet
2. Bollock Naked
3. Bone Dry

I say stagger it a bit. Mix things up a little. Dry your fucking hair with your underwear on.

One Sec
When I order my wife a drink, and the barmaid asks: “Ice and lemon with that?”, my answer is normally: “One sec”, delivered indecisively with a raised finger and a turn on the heels. This throws open a whole new category of Not Cool, called “Being Served” about which more tomorrow.

BEEEEEEEP

Thursday, August 3rd, 2006

*Beep*

Hi Cliff - sorry I missed you. How’s everyone? - and the shed?

Dad

*Beep*

P7OET

Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006

I saw a car this morning with the license plate P7OET. It was a pretty nice car, too - a four door sport thing.

I looked to see if I recognised the driver. Admittedly, the few poets I would know by sight are limited to Roger McGough, Benjamin Zephaniah and Andrew Motion. I’m no poet groupie, but my curiosity was tapped. It was none of them.

Hang on, what does a poet earn? Lots of people have personalised plates relating to their professions. P1LOT, SALE5M7N, GU1TAR, etc. It’s fairly vain display because they cost upwards of £1000 ($1,600 US). Poets don’t have that kind of disposable income, do they?

You don’t see lower paying jobs on car registrations. It’s not like you get B1NMAN racing by you. Or P05T1E. BL066ER. R0AD1E.

And even a successful poet wouldn’t race around showing off about what he does or how much money he makes. It doesn’t happen. They are modest and humble.

“Me? Oh - I’m in poetry. Working on a few things now actually. Mostly offshore, high-yield poems. I used to be in rhyming futures, but that’s a mug’s game. Friend of mine put everything on stanzas in ‘98 and nearly lost his quill in the Irish market. He’s now writing haiku in Limerick. There’s a gap in the market there.”

You wouldn’t get it.

And what was P7OET doing driving around in commuter rush hour traffic? I though that poets rose when the inspiration took them, threw on something black and started the day with some Haiku exercises and bowl of Weetabix (Which, by the way is the Breakfast of Poets - they just don’t market it because they can’t think of a rhyme.)

But it must have its benefits, or the driver wouldn’t have bought it. It would be funny getting stopped my police and talking to them purely in iambic pentameter. Or insulting other drivers in an 8 Mile style rap face off, or trading insurance details in rhymes only. “It was just a little shunt”, etc.

So I salute the brazen, vain and well-paid poet who crossed my path today.

BEEEEEEP

Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006

*BEEP*

Hi, 

Richard has a stag do on Friday 7th and now I’m removal man for the Mother In Law. Next race night will have to be postponed. I’ll be in touch with a new date soon.

Cheers

*BEEP*

Musicals They Should Make

Tuesday, August 1st, 2006

They’re doing musicals of everything these days. They’ve got Monty Python Holy Grail musical. They’ve got a musical about John Lennon. Musicals about Cats. Musicals about trains. Musicals sell.

Something else that sells is tragedy. Stories about people who have suffered abuse. A child called “it”. A wrongfully imprisoned man. A pilot shot down for no reason over some godforsaken land where we were just minding our own business, bombing the hell out of kids (who will also, by the way, go on to write their own bestseller). People love to hear about the suffering of others. Yes sir, there’s no business like ” ‘NOOOOOO!!!!!’ business”

You see where I’m going with this. I’m talking musical tragedy.

7!
A musical version on Seven, with the great closing number “What’s in the box?”

Bite Me
Cabaret version of Silence of the Lambs

Redemption Songs
Shawshank meets Broadway - big numbers include “Painting the town, Red” and “Get busy living”

Spies and Dolls
John le Carre scripts this knockout one two punch of showtunes and subterfuge

Heretic
The Spanish Inquisition chorusline perform “Unexpectable me” and “Cruella Seville” with pizzaz

What?

Oh stop it. You’re telling me Madame Butterfly has a happy ending? Puccini (cough -with whom I share a birthday - cough) should have put some toetappers in there. If we’re going to have hard times, we may as well have a few laughs along the way, right?

Obviously the Bee Gees song “Tragedy” will feature in every production, complete with Steps “Tragedy!” hands.

BEEEEEEEP

Tuesday, August 1st, 2006

*BEEP*

Bad news mate. Suggest you go to work tooled up with a 9 and spray their brains all over the goddam shop.

Send us some dates you can make.

*BEEP*

What It Is - It Ain’t Nuttin’ Else

Tuesday, August 1st, 2006

Why do rap guys put their answerphone messages between tracks on their albums?

“Yo wassup Cliff, this is Deemo. Me an’ B-Spoke trippin over the post last Tuesday, dawg. Where you at, G? You got my cell. We bout to get us some mo sushi, brother. Peace.”

Or something.

I have no idea what any of that means, or who those gentlemen are, but this week I think I’m going to put some of my emails in between my posts, starting now. Will it make me look street?

BEEEEEEP

Tuesday, August 1st, 2006

*BEEP*

Clint,

posted some. let me know if i got the jizz right. did i say jizz?
 
i mention wanking. is that ok? i mean mentioning it.

*BEEP*