This Is This

I put up blinds in the conservatory at the weekend. They were the kind that pull along on a rail and they will replace the old static ones that allow moisture to build up on the windows.

And now you appreciate the title. Headline of the year, that, and yeah, I know it’s December. I was pacing myself.

I was under the weather all bloody last weekend. Blue so much the sound of laughter made me smirk with bitterness. Hrmph. But there is little better than manual work to beat misery, or at least to sand the edges off your outlook to fit the day you deserve to have.

Depression is like a door that needs painting. You don’t get around to it, because you don’t feel like it and can’t see the use. It’s only going to get weathered and need painting again and it will look as tired and worn as it does now. Then you feel pathetic because not only does it look bad, but you know that you’re the one that didn’t paint the door which looks awful and it was your choice to do nothing and it’s all your fault, you loser. And you can’t be bothered to go all the way to the shop and make a choice because your judgment is rubbish. Eventually you convince yourself that the door would be better left unused altogether and you’re left with staring out of windows.

Of course, you know it’s going to look better with it painted, which is also why people who have depression can be very organised and highly productive. Not in a manic way, just because they are in search of the gratification that comes with finishing something and going: “Yes. I did it! Woohoo, and more to the point, fuck you!”

And that’s why I enjoy DIY. I knew a recovering alcoholic that got into woodwork to such an extent that the friend who shared his house nearly moved out. But that kind of toil, like writing, is socially acceptable isolation and gratifying and productive and there isn’t much that fits those three categories.

Plus it’s there, and that’s possibly the biggest deal. You did it. There it is. Check it out.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 6th, 2006 at 8:30 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed, or you can skip to the end and leave a comment yourself.