Wankers Make Me A Dickhead
I’m a nice guy. Polite, mild mannered - you know, renaissance, man. But dickheads who think they own the world, me or my personal space see none of this, and why should they?
So it’s with no shame that I tell you when I got onto the bus that I launched a one man jihad on the back on someone’s headrest. Because if your beliefs are that you should recline your seat into my personal space, then my personal space becomes personal.
There are many little signs you can give people who are reclining too much.
One is to ruffle the paper over the top of their head. I did this once so obviously that the paper touched the guy’s forehead before he adjusted his seat.
The other is to lean forward and talk into your phone. One is to talk to him, but being English, you give the seat a nudge and then blame the fixtures.
BUMP! “These chairs, really.” RUFFLE. “Telegraph, sorry.”
But not me, not him and not this morning. I was trying to get my bag into the small space where I could sit behind Reclining Man and was trying to thread it in after me, until I thought, “No. Fuck it, and fuck him and fuck the seat and the bag.”
And I pulled in so that it hit the seat he was in.
Then I got out the laptop and hit the back of the headrest as I did so, first with the computer, then with my elbow. OK, there is no excuse for the elbow. I just threw that in for good measure.
After the second hit, he moved his seat up. What did I do?
“Thank you,” I said.
Sincerely.
Did I feel like a twat? No. But I hope he did. I may have done something bad, but my intentions were right. I think that’s better blind ignorance.
January 4th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Oh I really hate reclining seats. Why do they put them on public transport? You’d think that common sense would tell most people that extending their comfort by a few centimetres would infringe yours by approximately the same amount - yet so many just go ahead and do it regardless. And of course I’m British and a wimp so never say anything about it apart from perhaps a few sighs and an eyeroll or two.
On a recent flight I was sitting in the second row from the front. I was flying for work so it was business class and there was slightly more room than normal. However, on that particular leg of the journey it didn’t last long - the chap in front of me (who, having the front seat, already had more room than the rest of us) put his seat back and then spent most of the flight with his feet (minus shoes) up on the wall in front of him. He looked very comfortable indeed. I, however, could barely even find the room in front of my face to read a modestly sized book. Grr
(apologies for ranting)
January 4th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
It’s all right FB,
We all hate them. It’s going to be OK.
January 4th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
I’ve never been on a bus with reclining seats?
Though if I had, I’m sure I’d react much the same as yourself.
January 4th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
One of the few things that there is to love about Ryanair: the seats don’t recline. Bliss!
January 4th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
Oh I’ve remembered another one now - another flight, this time I was in the first row of economy. Bad choice, as it turned out. Instead of having one of those oh-we-couldn’t-possibly-let-the-steerage-see-our-hot-towels curtains, they had a flappy down solid plastic panel. When the person in front of me reclined, this meant that not only did my knees get a squeeze and my field of vision get even further reduced, but the man next to me managed to bang his head on the divide (now poking out into our row at eye level) when attempting to sip his drink (or something).
OK, I’ll stop now. Although one last question - if we all hate them (as we all logically should) who are the people that do it? I guess people who feel more worthy of space than others. Or people who have never sat behind a recliner themselves. Hmm.
January 4th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
Do buses have reclining seats?
I don’t normally travel by bus, which makes me a bit like the Queen.
January 4th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
could you have reclined your seat too? then you’d have made back the same amount of space. and then the person behind you could do the same and etc. eventually you’d have been like a bus load of dominoes that can’t quite fall all the way over. all sitting semi-prone being p*ssed off with each other, tutting and huffing and getting achy arms as you tried to read your papers.
Happy New Year fella.
January 4th, 2007 at 10:56 pm
It’s actually a coach, but I think that sounds posh, so I call it a bus.
FB - on a plane, if anyone behind ever grabs your seat to stand up, just press the seat recline button and they go flying. Figurative and literally. Just press the button, sit back and enjoy the fun. Figurative and literally.
Meester - good to have you back mate. True - if we all act like dickheads then no one would be in anyone’s face. But then that wouldn’t be much fun for the wankers, would it?
January 5th, 2007 at 5:53 am
There’s nothing like someone behind grabbing your seat to stand up and pulling your hair in the process. Plane journeys are a nightmare. My blood pressure goes sky high. But do I ever say anything? Of course not, I’m English! Check out my latest post for a little story about a bottle of gin travelling London-Heathrow to Montreal.
January 5th, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Travelling by Coach isn’t that posh. Though I think it depends how many horses are pulling it.
January 5th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
Even non-reclining seats have their abusers: those who throw their long, split-ended hair over the headrest and virtually into my lap. Fuckers. I really want to get a pair of scissors out there and then.
Good on ya, Cliff.
January 8th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
I think worse than people in front reclining is when you’re stuck next to a fat person who spills over the arm rests, and sweats.
I got the coach back from Dresden to London, once. 36 hours. Sat next to a fat man. Right at the back. In the corner. Above the engine.
I was a quivering wreck by the end.