The Village-Dwellers
Sooz at http://www.vilest.wordpress.com - “Saying it how it is - according to me. My blog - my perogative… mad, odd, strange, funny…. who cares? It’s mine!”
We’ve been village-dwellers since the year errr dot….
Villages are lovely - all green and beautiful, fresh green fields in most directions and an intimacy known only to those born ‘n bred in the village.
I’m one of those people. I was born at Number 13. Whilst my father played football and whilst my mother bit the midwife’s trumpet - denting it badly whilst I emerged to the world in a bedroom devoid of technology.
The first words I probably heard were ‘ohm she’s got black hair! She’s not got GINGER! She’s got… oh…. Oh dear… oh. She’s got ginger hair!’
I was born to disappoint from the first moment wasn’t I? I blame the trumpet. It probably gave my mother instant lead poisoning and that transferred itself down my mother’s fractured placenta and was shared unwillingly with me as I heard those ‘oh no!’ exclamations… *sigh*
It might also be why my auntie (who was the one announcing the non-black-hair moment!) was my very favourite auntie forever…
Nothing to do with the single square of Galaxy chocolate she’d give us every time we saw her… oh no!
So… being a village dweller - we didn’t get out much.
No really! We didn’t! We had a very infrequent bus service and we never owned any more than one vehicle per family and that took the male of the household to work to bring in the pennies. The female didn’t drive on account of staying home with the children, we stayed put. It was scary to ride a bike (no, not a penny farthing!) any further than the village perimeter on account of the hills and the ‘if you do that then THIS BAD THING will happen’ tales from your nearest and dearest. Of course we believed them! We had nothing beyond our four errr village corners to go to to think otherwise…
Fast forward a tad and you’ll see the relevance of this background…
Going to the Big City was an ordeal! We wanted to go - oh yes! But when we went and we got lost (as you do!) and eventually made it back to the bus station before the last bus had departed, you had had enough of the ‘outside world’ to last you the next six months and so I dare say, like the Hill-Billies of old - we were content in our own community. Except for the inbreeding bit. Allegedly.
Until, of course, we became adults and began to drive our own cars. And travel. On buses and things. Aeroplanes even!
It was on one of these big grown-up traveling trips that I came to realise that I wasn’t ever destined to be a traveller…
Journey: from My Village to Sion, Switzerland.
Occasion: My best mate’s wedding celebration.
Route: Whichever is cheapest. We’ve no need to hurry! (big mistake!)
Thus followed a long and uncomfortable trip from the UK to Paris and from Paris to Sion, whilst being overtaken in the sky by most of the other wedding guests who were flying in comfort. After their lie-in and breakfast in bed probably!
My ‘bad moments’ were as follows:
1. Traveling with two very staid smart trench coated girlies who never saw or felt danger nor did they appear to be like the rest of the (bumming) world! They’d stand frigidly upright whilst the rest of us (me!) sat on road sides in our scratty jackets and they stood out like sore thumbs! Had they held banners which said ‘We’re Easy Prey, Shaft Us!’ - they’d have been less noticeable!
2. In performing bullet point number 1, I witnessed a) one of them getting stuck in a luggage machine (the ones which let your luggage through and then close with a loud honking noise.) This closed DURING her suitcase transportation whilst she was still attached. Me? I was going Very Fast Indeed trying to drag my luggage through the dark and scary metro at midnight whilst we attempted to catch the next train from the other station arghhh! b) her sister being pickpocketed as she entered the metro as the security bar came down between ticket holders and her hands were busy and we were ALL going through the barriers at separate points. c) witnessing them both being groped by a drunk French tramp who was saying in French ‘come with meeeee… there’s life in my hotel! ‘ (yes I knew that much French!) whilst I was trying not to look as alien as they did whilst standing in very smart trench coats (yes I know I mentioned that before but ffs!!!) in the middle of a Paris train station at midnight… They’d not noticed him approaching and he’d had a warm handful or err four by the time they sussed it… I was slouched on the ground, blending in with da Street (!) I stood up and looked around me for a policeman (as you do!) - ‘I sayyyy! Fetch me a policeman, what hoh chaps!’ Le Tramp spied the look on my face and backed away saying ‘Non! Non!’ lolol! Exit Le Tramp, leaving moi wondering how scary I must be looking!
3. Traveling with inconsiderate stinky people throughout: one man with pungent B.O who kept retrieving his belongings from overhead constantly whilst we all tried to sleep in a cramped carriage. I swear we needed breathing apparatus by the time he’d finished arm-flapping!
4. Going out to the cold-as-ice airy train corridor to breathe and to survive the cramped sleeping conditions in the sweaty carriage only to witness Fainting Man. He stood for a short while whilst displaying various shades of puce and then slid slowly down the window frame to the floor several times. The final time with his specs landing on his chest. As he looked up at me in a dazed and confused fashion, I managed to suggest that he ’stay down there’ - the extent of my generosity and first aid being astonishing, as you can see!
5. Returning home in a carriage of MORE stinky people who insisted on taking their shoes and socks off (!!!!) and then placing them opposite each other - right next to me on the seat for the whole vile foot-odorous journey!
6. Surviving this long haul by eating baguettes, Jarlesberg cheese and chocolate whilst listening to a walkman (yep that’s old!) of the Eagles Greatest Hits!
7. Returning from a fabulous time in Sion with fabulous people and fabulous celebrations - in totally prolonged discomfort (yet again) and knowing that the other guests were overtaking us in luxury in the sky above us *sigh* I think the word ‘DIE’ was mentioned a few times!
I’ve never been so tired nor pissed off with every step I took ever before! Nor happier to be home – under my village stone!
Travel the world? Pah!
You can keep it! I’m fine here thanks. I’ll watch it on the telly! I’ll take a private jet or something. With soft seats, fully stocked bar and a masseur!
Carbon Footprint? Oh but only Jimmy Choos* dahlink!
Incidentally, I still hear the Eagles with a warm fondness! I think they calmed me enough to survive that trip! That, or Jarlesberg overload…
*actually having heels would be a journey too far - I’d be nauseous at that height! I can’t be doing with discomfort you see!….
Princess, pea…. You get it!
We’re spoilt by village life, I swear!
April 11th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Sooz rocks!