This Is This

I have a theory that the reason there are so many fights in ice hockey is that it’s a girly sport.

No, let me finish.

It’s the skating part. It’s effeminate. Most of the ice skating we see in our childhood is associated with billowing chiffon and sparkle, classical music and bunches of flowers and people tumbling over and “breaking their hearts” (which can’t happen, by the way - you can’t fall in love in six minutes on the ice, not at that speed).

Aside from the frills and spills of figure skating you’ve got things like Disney On Ice where folks who should know better dress up as Winnie the Poo and skate around with neither dignity nor scruples. This is not what AA Milne intended. Look at you. And put some pants on, for god’s sake.

If you give a stick to any self-respecting man in this situation, he’s going to find any way to beat the actual poo out of his fellow skaters. And if that man had been made to endure a childhood of long winters and short jibes about choosing ice skating above football, he’s going to lash out. I don’t care if he is Canadian, everyone’s got their breaking point.

I call it Hemingway’s Law. Ernest was dressed as a girl by his mother until he was six, and as soon as he could, he volunteered for front line duty in a world war, hunted big game in Africa, drank hard, wrote books of dark beauty, then blew his head off with a shotgun.

So if we rationalise that Papa did it, we are closer to understanding that hockey players aren’t aggressors, they are victims - they are trying to shake the association of Snoopy captured in mid-pirouette on the funny pages of otherwise serious newspapers.

You don’t fuck with a man in sequins.

Maybe some Canucks will back me up here?

I’m not sure if you can pick up this site way up and over in Canada, or it might be a couple of months behind out there.

What do you mean we’re live? Like all over the world?!

Can they do that?

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 9th, 2007 at 7:30 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed, or you can skip to the end and leave a comment yourself.