Things I Must Remember At Work (That I Have Done Nonetheless)
When selecting a croissant at work, do not point to it and say “I’ll take one of these bad boys”. It is a French pastry. It is so not a “bad boy”, it’s not true. A bagel could kick its ass and have it for breakfast.
Do not tell anyone that you went to Glastonbury three times in the Nineties. No one cares that Shed Seven are a great live band and that it never rained.
But mostly:
Do not say “No, but I can be” and then walk off to a meeting room. It tells everyone you are looking for another job.*
Alternative responses should be:
“I want you to do exactly as I say. You should see a blue wire and a green wire. Take the shears and make sure you’re standing on the rub- Sally?!? I need you to do with me. I can’t do this without you, OK Sally?”
“Right, I see. Is it an itching or more of a burning?”
“Excellent. I knew you’d see sense. So it’s Banco Commercia De Los Brasilia, number 54639758. Thank you, Senator.”
“Uh huh… No way… Serious???? ….. How did you hear about this….. You’ve seen it?….. Yeah DVD clubs….. Really? No way…. And you sure it’s him?…. Give me one sec.”
“Today’s your birthday? No baby, I’m just kidding. Sure I do.”
*Not recently of course, ha ha. No. Ahem.
July 30th, 2007 at 9:30 am
He really does do that thing with croissants. Then shakes his head, smiles ruefully, and repeats it next time.
July 30th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
“Well, you just go back to the Under Treasurer of the Bank of Ouagadougou and you tell him that I can’t afford any more sweeteners and I want my 17% by tomorrow morning. Got it?”
July 30th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
Also, I talked optimistically about a potential job prospect today with “That right there is some sweet action.”
Katy - Personal call? Cut me in or I’m telling.
July 31st, 2007 at 12:20 am
I’m sooo confused!
July 31st, 2007 at 10:18 am
Ed - about what?
July 31st, 2007 at 1:01 pm
I dunno!