Hand Jive Turkey
Thinking of Christmas, did you know turkeys are now bred so large that they have to be artificially inseminated?
That’s got a to be a sign, surely. If man and consumer demand has engineered creatures that can’t actually fuck, then we should probably look at ourselves. Are scientists actually getting around the reproductions problem actually saying “No, it’s all cool. We just get some of these. It’s all good,” and they produce a turkey baster, “and the good thing about this,” they continue…
Good god, that means someone else’s job is wanking off turkeys. That’s got to be one of the worst jobs in the world. How would you take your mind off that? “Doing anything nice for the holidays?”
You know who eats a lot of turkey? Per head, I mean?
Israelis. Those guys eat almost twice as much turkey on average than Americans, who you would naturally put at the top because it involves consumers. Turkey farmers in the US raise about 300 million turkeys each year. But because of the kosher thing and the lack of abundant irrigation and fresh green pastures, Isrealis eat a shitload of turkey, even without Christmas.
According to the National Turkey Federation, in 1998 Israel consumed a whopping 27.8 pounds per capita. The United States is in second place, at 18 pounds per capita, followed by France (14.3 pounds), the United Kingdom (11.5), Canada (9.7), Belgium-Luxembourg (7.5), and the Netherlands (3.9).
They have tons of ways to cook it, too, so leftovers will never be a problem.
I now have a terrible image of an Israeli turkey fluffer that is just wrong and wrong and bad on so many levels.
The views in this blog are not those of my employer. Any similarities between the ethics expressed in this post and those of AOL are purely coincidental.
December 6th, 2007 at 8:55 am
So much for MY Christmas Dinner.
December 6th, 2007 at 10:18 am
I used to know a guy who’s job it was to do that to police dogs.
December 6th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Ed - really? The thought of bird spunk doesn’t fill you with Christmas cheer? Odd.
Wendy - The searches I’m going to get now. Thanks for not spelling it out. Like saying dog wank or jizz monkeys or anything like that.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Cliff, baby, you will live to regret this post. Speaking as one who brought hamster spunk to the blogsphere, I cannot wait to see what Google Search brings you this Christmas.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
I thought I’d try to see what a fluffer looked like - turkey or otherwise - and ended up spotting a picture apparently of a tuna fluffer. I had to follow the link. Fortunately, it wasn’t quite as I’d imagined from the picture.
http://thefoodmonkey.com/?p=142
December 6th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
Hey Mark - A fluffer is a, er, technical term. You’ll have to look it up. I have lowered the tone enough already.
Katy - It’s just dawning on me that prospective employers might find this site, while I’m looking for work. Just because I took my name off the front page and my meta data shouldn’t give me free reign to fill these pages with monkey jizz . Unless that company is actually in the jizz monkey business, in which case, I’m not interested.
I am ashamed. I was contacted by Wendy earlier who told me my post today was below even my standards.
December 6th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Definitely not sub-standard. Provoking thought in areas not otherwise considered is a good thing. I just didn’t get my fill of stuffing and gravy over Thanksgiving is all.
December 6th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
I still get literally 4 Google searches a day from Poland looking for sex animals, you’ve got to be terribly careful.
December 6th, 2007 at 7:38 pm
Male turkeys care called Toms, apparently. I know this because the other day, someone sent me this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMx7w9DD7Xk
Warning: may contain footage of, er, fluffy Turkeys. You know what I’m saying. *wink*
And then here you are, a few days later, talking about the exact same thing.
What is this, some kind of meme? Do you mind if I don’t join in?
December 6th, 2007 at 9:24 pm
Wow, talk about exact change!
December 6th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
Wow - and ew. But interesting and should be seen. The whole meatrix thing scares me to shame. If you do eat meat, them please buy responsibly.
I picked this up because I read an article in November’s National Geographic. It was the Thanksgiving issue, so I stored away that bit of information. See how I didn’t say nugget?
Sam - in fact, no, EVERYONE - stop mentioning animals and sex. Honestly. I’m in enough trouble already.
December 7th, 2007 at 12:19 am
Spooge!
December 7th, 2007 at 12:20 am
Sorry.
December 7th, 2007 at 12:46 am
So you’d like us all to go cold turkey on the bad sexy jokes, then?
December 7th, 2007 at 2:48 am
Not to mention the hamster spunk, turkey spooge, monkey sex, and fluffers.
December 7th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Do they show the Toms some Turkey porn to get them started? I mean, it must be hard enough as it is, without having to warm them up a bit first. At least if they are in a state of ‘readiness’ it would improve the productivity of the staff member concerned. You’re not paying them for foreplay, after all.
“You like that? Hmm? Yeah, I bet you do, you filthy Tom…”
It’s OK, I’m leaving now.
December 7th, 2007 at 11:06 am
OK, with hindsight, that sentence would read, “it must be difficult enough as it is,…”
December 7th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Jesus CHRIST, Angry! Please tell me the capital T was a mistake.
Spooge?!?!!???
FFS and LOL
December 7th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Did Ms It’s A Life really say that? The same Ms It’s A Life who gleefully posted “sticky hamster penis” all over my comments box in an actually highly successful attempt to sabotage my reputation with Google Search forever?
(It’s amazing how many people actually do google the phrase “sticky hamster penis”, as you will discover very very shortly indeed.)
December 7th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Or maybe it was me who posted “sticky hamster penis” all over her comments box. I can’t remember. ’snot important.
December 7th, 2007 at 11:35 pm
Maybe there’s mopre sticky hamster penis incidents than you’re aware of? Maybe they happen to a lot of people and they’re just looking for more information on it?