This Is This

I want to get into live blogging. Not where I’m writing about event as they happen, but where I am the event writing about stuff that probably never will. I’ll charge admission and put this stuff up on a big screen. I’d have an opening act, get t-shirts printed up and write about how big and famous I am and ride the applause at the end of one of my posts. I could be edgier in my act than I am here. I could work blue.

Let me try that now:

I know my fuck skills give most women chills
(the delicate picture that paints).
I stuck my johnson in chicks from Wisconsin
and never had any complaints.

Thank you, really.

Yeah, that could work.

See, the internet’s getting too big. Perez Hilton’s site was on CSI the other night. The only way this site would get on that show would be with as a chalk outline if I deleted it.

Does anyone know if they still do those chalk outlines? You never see them on those forensic shows, and otherwise they seem pretty true to life. Kind of.

I don’t like how the characters exchange information in ways that cops never would for the benefit of a dumber audience.

“Have we checked for GSR, Bob?”

“Well Steve, gun shot residue only shows up in a radius of twenty feet, and that’s with no wind.”

…thereby explaining what GSR is and how it spreads after a, um, GS. Of course, Bob and Steve would both know all this. They’ve been wearing a badges since before I was riding a Big Wheel, as they might put it.

And these guys seem to be involved in every process of the crime fighting food chain. They’re in the courtroom, they’re interviewing suspects, they’re raiding houses, they’re shaking down perps, they’re doing family liaison, they’re working undercover, they’re pulling nightshifts in the morgue, they even organise the big annual softball game against the Feds. And they never use secretaries. They are too cool for meetings or diaries.

And the computers on their desks do everything. Email, handwriting analysis, weather reports, booking tickets and they have the entire database of every criminal in the world.

And when they scan for prints, if actually scans!!! You can see pictures of real finger prints go round, all the finger prints in the world, for about seven, maybe nine seconds, then it goes:

MATCH FOUND

Then it does a powerpoint animation thingy to superimpose the fingerprint found at the scene with that of our sleazebag waiter in the cells, so the only bars he’ll be working are the ones in the state pen.

“Nice work, B, I’ll see you make Lieutenant for this.”

“Lieutenant Boffin McCool. I like the sound of that, Captain.”

“That’s Mister Captain to you, McCool.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t get sloppy on me.”

“I’ve already apologised for that.”

Also on This Is This
Sure enough it was my maternal grandmother out and about, no doubt on mission to buy Smash.
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This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 27th, 2008 at 8:42 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed, or you can skip to the end and leave a comment yourself.