This Is This

Hall and Oates were huge when I was a kid, and still banging out some fine tunes when I was a kid in their hometown of Philadelphia. In the days before the travesties of Maneater and Private Eyes, it was undeniable that Darryl Hall was the greatest white soul singer since Michael McDonald.

Those days are a distant memory now, but thanks to the power of radio, today we have some fine songs - like this one, busting in and out in less than three minutes, blending soul, disco, R ‘n B and pop with horns, strings and everything.

Nina Simone covered this in 1978, and if it’s good enough for her, then it’s good enough here.

And don’t you know, don’t you know
that it’s wrong to take what is given you.
So far gone, on your own.
You can get along if you try to be strong
but you’ll never be strong.

Listen: Rich Girl 

I have a habit of not using this (points to head) before opening this (points to mouth). It may have something to do with the occasional confusion between this (points to arse) and this (points to elbow).

Anyway, I’m not saying this conversation actually took place, but it nearly did. I mean, the first part happened, but the rest occurred in my head.

I was in a taxi in Queens, New York, going through a fancy neighborhood.

“This right here is a nice place to live,” says the Vietnamese cab driver, “You’ve got the subway, the E line takes you right into Wall Street, you’ve got LaGuardia and JFK , big houses. It’s a good neighborhood.”

I’m not great on small talk, but suprisingly I was doing OK.

“Have you lived in New York all your life?” I said.

“Seven years.”

“Seven years.”

“Seven.”

This is small talk. I was shocked. I rarely do that, and I was rocking it. Seriously. Not only was I holding my own, I’m pretty sure at one point I was holding someone else’s.

OK, all of THAT took place. Now here’s the part that didn’t, and if I were a lesser blogger, then I’d say that it did, but I’m not so I won’t ’cause it didn’t.

But as the neighborhood changed, I nearly turned to Mrs. This and said:

“This isn’t so nice here. You have off-track betting, a used tire place, all checks cashed, liquor stores – ew, and look at that guy. Man.”

I also would have turned to the driver while I basked in the glow of all my small talk finery and said: “So where do you live?”

And he would have pointed to a street off ahead to my side and said: “I live right up there.”

But that didn’t happen, like I said.

Why?

Because I remembered that the important thing to bear in mind about being me is knowing when to quit.

The Weekend Song is late because my other computer is doing something else this evening. Did you know it takes two computers to put up the Weekend Song?

No, you didn’t.

My music library is on another computer which is bigger than the one I use on the train for writing. Technically, it’s on the older computer, but iTunes is a pain in the arse and I don’t want to move the files across.

If you are like me (and most normal people) then you use about five different computers over the course of a week, so you want your stuff in one, especially the stuff you have paid for and should actually own. Don’t get me started on that, but if you use five computers, the chances are at least one is upgraded every six months to a year.

So I have to be really careful to tell Apple (that’s Apple, who don’t actually make any music) that I no longer want to listen to the songs I own on any computer I don’t want to use anymore because I’m going to listen to my music on another computer instead. If I forget to tell them, then they think I am using too many computers and I can’t get at my songs any more.

I extend a big shiny white middle finger to Apple. Look at that though, it’s beautiful, isn’t it? And when I turn it sideways, it automatically disappears. Amazing. Turn it back up, and the finger is back. It’s like it knows. The design is like an extention of my hand, and it all fits right in my pocket and it completely portable. And when I want to give Apple the finger again, I just get it out and here is it.

And if my right hand is doing something, like buying music which I can only play on one of five machines where I install their fucking software and I’m not allowed to upload to my website even though I own the song, I can use my left hand, and - look - there’s the finger. 

It’s really intuitive.

Jesus, anyway, the weekend song. Technically it will still be a weekend song, but it’ll be Sunday now.

And so as not to be completely negative, two of my favourite bloggers make a triumphant return to the e-fray this week.

Katy Newton’s Everything Is Electric. Again. comes back as does Goin’ To The John by Leemer. They both write like lyrical Adonises and they are hilariously funny and thoughtful.

I enjoy reading their stuff because it reminds me what writing does. Jung Chang, author of Wild Swans, said: “I always wanted to be a writer” and I know exactly what she means.

Then again she also said “Everybody Jung Chang tonight” and that never resonated in the same way.

I am glad I am not a woman. I mean apart from the obvious drawback of suddenly finding myself with incompatible body parts, I don’t think I’d be able to handle the shopping.

I’m not a big fan of choice – I generally want things to be right for me without all the decisions that go along with picking.

I could go after many examples here to rip apart with my argument the way you know I do, picking easy targets and knocking stuff to size, but for the purposes of this post, I’m taking down lady’s pants.

OK, “trousers”, but since I saw this in the US, I’m using the funicular. Stay with me now.

On the shelves, the ladies have three types of jeans, described thus:

EASY FIT – Just right – like being with your best friend
BOOT CUT – Instant style – on endless days, the jeans you’ll always reach for
STRAIGHT LEG – Straight up cool – you know who you are

I shit ye not. Those were the choices, right there in Macy’s. Fuck Christmas, the real Miracle On 34th Street is how the hell women can choose a pair of trousers.

I’ve never felt comfortable with the word trousers. It sounds like a description of folks who trouse, and that sounds weird. Trousing sounds like paying for sex, and that’s not great.

Personally speaking, I mean, but there’s a whole debate there that we’re not going to have on this site. I think paying for sex seems a little cold, but that’s because I’m more into the mental thing. And believe me, when I have sex, it is mental.

Anyway. Choice - I’d be lost. I do like being with my best friend, but then again… instant style. And that’s saying nothing about the third choice, which cuts straight to the very essence of self.

I’m no good with choice. If it were me, I’d want one thing that does it all.

For me – Easy BootLeg, every time. Bang. Ring it up.

About four months ago I went on a stag weekend, and  took a long train journey and a book to pass the time.

The book was I Shouldn’t Even Be Doing This by comedian Bob Newhart. It was new out at the time and I was annoyed when I lost it when I changed trains from Chichester to Southampton.

I was halfway through and was reluctant to replace the book, so I made a mental note to replace it when it came out in paperback.

I added the book to a list of titles I would buy next time I was out browsing for books, which turned out to be while I was in New York last week.

I bought a few books:

What Is The What by Dave Eggers
How We Are Hungry by the same
The Red Badge Of Courage by Steven Crane
and
I Shouldn’t Even Be Doing This by Bob Newhart

I bought the replacement in paperback, and I started reading that first since I was already halfway through.

I walked with it back up 8th Avenue past the Port Authority Bus Terminal, where I noticed a statue of Jackie Gleason, set some ways back off the pavewalks/sideways, up to 48th Street, where I was going to pick up the book where I left off, 3500 miles, two train rides, a car trip, two taxi rides and a 747 later.

In the first brief sitting of reading the book, Bob Newhart said there is a statue of him as his tv persona, Dr. Bob Hartley, at the entrance to Navy Pier in Chicago. He says:

“It’s one in a series placed around the country by TV Land, along with Mary Tyler Moore in Minneapolis, Audry Griffith in Mt. Airy, North Carolina, and Jakie Gleason in a New York City bus terminal.”

I’m back, feeling regenerated after a break and returning here, and to an extent, my good old self. I had been feeling run down and I needed a break.

I’ll warn you now that my writing may be mired somewhat by the transatlantic malucclusion which often affects me after a visit to the Great Satan.

More specifically I was in New York. I love it there. I really do. I could live there. If one day my hat doesn’t hang the way it didn’t use to, and I had much more to lose than I sometimes forget I do, I’d give serious thought to living there. This is odd because I’m prone to reclusion, although maybe that’s the appeal of living in a city of eight million people. But apologies in advance if I go on to regale if not just plain tell you about my trip over the next few days.

Thanks for the fort-holding duties of the unwitting contributors who gave us the “You Asked For It” series. There are a few more to go because when I asked for numbers, I was literally bombarded, and then more than a dozen readers replied. This is very flattering, because as amazing as you are, and yes, I mean you yourself personally, it’s incredible for me to think that this is the only thing you are reading right now.

I checked in a couple of times from New York and realised that I rushed out those posts, because the spelling and the HTML tags were all over the place.

I spent three kinds of awesome with Len G, the hospitality of whoms (whoms, right? Whoms.) was bound only my stupid fucking mobile phone which chose to whore itself around every available network in the tristate area every fifteen minutes instead of actually letting people contact me.

I’m feeling good. Thanks for sticking with me. I’m back to seeing the beauty in the flaws and, typically, the flaws in the beauty.

The “You Asked For It”s will continue among live posts, because they make decent reading and because you took the time. Sometimes you’ll get new posts, sometimes it will be that stuff I wrote before I went.

Sometimes it’ll be good, and sometimes – ehhh notsomuch. That’s life, I don’t make the rules.

Hello. How are you.

anna Says:

August 7th, 2008 at 11:08 am e

84! 84!

What do you think are some good manners?
Having good manners is a way of showing you care about others.

What do you think are some bad manners?
If you eat like a slob and act like you really don’t care how you act, then it shows you don’t care for what I think of you or anything else. It’s an arrogance, and one I feel I want to punish. My biggest fallings out with anyone been over bad manners – the things where I have said “You shouldn’t do that shit, but since you do, you’re not going to do it around me of to me and I will not let it affect the people I care about.”

Can you think of some good manners that are bad manners in another country?
It’s partly a cultural thing, like how in France it’s rude to put your hands in your lap while you are sitting at the table, and in the UK it’s rude to have your hands on the table. My parents drilled the hands in the lap thing into me and either they were old fashioned or people just don’t do that any more. I have never seen any other parents tell their kids to keep their hands in their lap when they are not eating.

What are the titles of some books on manners? Have you ever read them?
I have read How To Talk Dirty And Influence People by Lenny Bruce, but it’s more a memoir than an actually book about manners. A lot of books on Buddhism I have read are essential about good manners. The Eightfold Path is essentially about how to behave in a way which benefits others and ultimately (and therefore) frees you from suffering. Right speech, right mind, right action, right intention – but actual books on manners, no, not especially.

What are some good manners for using a cell phone?
Right – keep it quiet. Don’t swear. Don’t gossip. Just consider that there are people around you. And don’t shout!!!! People in the whitest coats known to man have spent years developing microphones that work when they are half an in from your mouth.

What are some good table manners?
Don’t chew with your mouth open. This is the absolute worst one. I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to hear it, and I like you less as a person, no matter what you stand for if you eat with your mouth open.

What are some good party manners?
Pour the first drink, then tell people where the drinks are.

Is kissing in public good manners?
Yeah, I think so, as long as it stays to kissing. Except for ugly people. What?

Do you say “hi” to people even if they are strangers? Why? Why not?
Yes if it would be rude not to. So if you’re on a pathway and you’re walking towards someone for ages and you finally pass them, then I’d say a little hello. I think it’s if you’re sharing something. If it’s raining and you run to shelter and someone’s there. If it’s a quiet morning and there’s no one else around. If it’s a quiet night and there’s no one else around, I might keep it to myself.

Do you listen to other’s people conversations on the street?
Oh god yes. I like to write and I enjoy words so I like listening to how people use them. A schoolgirl trying to be hard says to her mate: “I was like: If you’re going to chat shit to me, don’t chat shit to me with a smiley face, right?” – that is priceless.

Do you think it is good manners to hug or kiss another person in greeting?
Depends on the person, but yeah, it’s fine.

Do you let people pass you when you are driving in your car? Is it considered a good manner?
I let people filter in and stuff, or get themselves out of a bad situation into my one if it’s not so bad. I also use my manners, too, and weigh up whether I’m inconveniencing anyone else by my being helpful.

Do you honk your horn to people when you drive?
Sometimes in anger, yes, but rarely, because that’s rude to every else within earshot. I will show them I’m pissed off, though.

Do people have more manners now or in earlier times?
A lot of the old manners would be nonsense today, but out of the context they seem very polite, if you consider politeness as putting yourself out for others.

Can manners affect your success in life? How?
I think people like being around people who are considerate and that carries on throughout relationships and your career.

What’s the best way to teach manners to children?
Explain the benefits and let them see it for themselves, but point it out ever now and then.

What culture do you think is the most polite? Explain.
I think the Japanese are very polite in that they respect their elders, but they make noise when they eat and they don’t blow their noses. I guess it’s impossible to answer because it’s such a cultural thing.

What advice would you give a foreigner visiting your country who would like to show good manners?
Don’t stand at the top of escalators.

What things about manners in the USA do you find difficult to adjust to?
Not ignoring people, like we do here.

Is there anything about manners in the USA that you prefer to manners in your country?
I like the way people ask how you are even if they don’t know you. I love that, and I do it for a bit when I come back home and get some strange looks before I think: “Oh, I see, we’re supposed to not give a shit. I get it. We’re English. Silly me.”

Miss T Says:
August 7th, 2008 at 10:31 am e

49 please and thank you.

The eyes have been called “the window to the soul”. What do you think that means?
I think it means that you can tell what people are thinking. If that’s true, mine are triple-glazed.

In USA culture we have many ‘rules’ about eye contact. These are unspoken and most North Americans are not aware that we have rules. What is appropriate in your culture?
Don’t hold the gaze too long.

What is appropriate in this culture?
Same rules apply, I guess.

When you are telling some one something that you feel is important, what should your eye contact be.
You should look at them.

Is it OK if they look at something else while you are talking?
I think so.

Are there different rules for eye contact when you are addressing a person of higher status? Like the President or an elder?
I would probably be more respectful.

If you do not make eye contact what does that mean?
It could mean you’re not interested in them.

If you make too much eye contact what does that mean?
It could mean that you’re being a bit too much.

If you were in love what kind of eye contact would you make?
I wouldn’t worry so much about the too much.

If you were ashamed, what kind of eye contact would you make?
Very little.

If you were lying, or not telling the whole truth, what would your eye contact be like?
Shifty. Patchy at best.

If you were giving a speech or talking with a crowd what would your eye contact be like?
I’d look around a bit more.

If you are talking with a child and you think they are lying, do you think you could tell by looking at their eyes?
Mine, definitely. They try really hard to keep their eyes right on me.

How about an adult that you think is not telling the truth, could you tell by their eyes?
Depends how good/bad they were.

What are the rules for males and females talking to each other?
Look at each other but not too much.

If a woman looks directly at a man is she being too forward or sexually aggressive?
No. That’s stupid.

There’s something sweet and self-affacing and therefore very English about this song. It’s safe to say I’m getting homesick by now, even though I am loving being away.

Are we having the time of our lives?
Are we coming across clear?
Are we coming across fine?
Are we part of the plan here?

Listen: Weather To Fly

1. g. Says:
   August 7th, 2008 at 10:25 am Gordon almost beat me to it: 43, please.

When was the last earthquake that you remember?
This one.
Has your house been damaged by an earthquake?
No.

What preparations should you make before the earthquake hits?
Push a table under doorway and get under it.

What happens during an earthquake?
The Earth’s plates shift and cause friction.

Were you frightened the first time you experience an earthquake?
No, but it is strangely unsettling.

What areas of the world have many earthquakes?
Mainly those along the fault lines.

What preparations should you make before the earthquake hits?
Turn off the gas. Fire is a big risk in earthquakes.

What kind of injuries are caused by earthquakes?
Burns, cuts and broken bones.

How do you treat these injuries?
Drop and roll, apply a compress, keep still and get proper medical help.

What frightens people most after an earthquake?
Robots.

How can you deal with post traumatic stress resulting from an earthquake?
Drugs.

Where is the best place to go during an earthquake?
Holland. Lots of drugs, very few robots. It’s very flat, so I don’t think they have earthquakes. I may be wrong.

Is it possible to know in advance that an earthquake is coming?
I think so.

What kind of strange phenomenon occurred just prior to the Great Hanshin earthquake in Kobe, Japan?
The birds all stopped singing, then started again in the next key up. Spooky.

Is an earthquake always followed by a tsunami?
No. What about earthquakes in landlocked countries. Or double landlocked countries like Uzbekistan and Lichtenstein?

What causes a tsunami after an earthquake?
Sudden displacement of water.

How do you measure earthquakes?
Using the Richter scale.

Is your home built to withstand earthquakes?
No, but I stayed in one that was. It was round and had chains around it.

Where in your house would you hide if there were an earthquake?
Online.

What causes aftershocks?
It’s the settling of the plates after an initial shock.

Do you live in an area that has earthquakes?
Very rarely, but anything can happen.

Hi everyone. Just checking in from over the seas. As you were.

Gordon Says:
August 7th, 2008 at 10:23 am - 42!Do you think alcohol is a drug?
Yes, of course.

What is alcoholism?
An addiction to alcohol.

Do you know of any alcoholics?
Yes, I have known a few.

How do you stop being an alcoholic?
Get help, admit you have a problem, take one day at a time.

Do you know how much alcohol is in beer?
About 3-7 per cent nomally.

Do you know how much alcohol is in whiskey?
About 40-45 per cent normally.

What are some of the characteristics of drunk people?
It varies, but when the inhibitions come down, characteristic can be different depending on the person.

Is alcohol addictive? What about tea, coffee, and chocolate?
Yes it is. Anything can be addictive if it’s a habit that makes you feel better.

Should marijuana be illegal?
No.

Do you think marijuana should be legal or illegal? Support your opinion with facts.
I think marijuana as a recreactional drug is fine, but the health implications should be properly explored. It’s one of the best natural mild painkillers there is.

Why do you think marijuana is illegal?
Because of The Man. No, there is a lot to show it is a gateway drug, but then you could say that drinking beer is a gateway to downing a bottle of vodka a day. It’s a flimsy argument that relies on convenient facts. I think if it were legal, then there would be more people driving on it because you can’t stop assholes, and that’s a shame.

Is marijuana grown in your country?
Yes.

What are some ways drug users use marijuana?
Smoke it, mainly, but there are lots of other ways.

Do you think tobacco companies would like to sell marijuana?
Probably, but I hate tobacco companies.

Why do you think that tobacco is a legal drug?
Fucked up. But I respect people’s decision to do fucked up things.

Are any of your friends addicted to tobacco?
Yes. It’s a shame that they don’t think it’s important enough to stop.

What are the different ways to use tobacco?
Smoke it or chew it.

Do you know anyone who smokes a pipe?
No.

What is the difference between pipe tobacco and cigarette tobacco?
Oooh – know this one. Is it that one is for lighting fires and the other is for fighting liars?

What do you think about chewing tobacco?
It is really nasty.

Is there any difference between “soft” drugs such as marijuana and “hard” drugs like crack, heroin, cocaine etc?
A mix between the addictiveness and the destructiveness.

Is ecstasy a soft or a hard drug?
Hard.

Should there be punishments for dealing drugs?
Yes.

Should there be punishments for using drugs?
Yes, because it’s the law. If we want to change the law we should. We should change these laws, but while that’s the law, there should be punishments.  There should be punishments if you break the law on drugs, and drugs should not be excuses for breaking the law.

Should drug dealers get the death penalty?
No.

If heroin were legal, would there be less crime? For example, burglary and robbery.
No, I think the price would still be high and demand would increase.

Are some people more easily addicted to drugs than others?
Yes, definitely.

Do some people have addictive personalities?
Yes, look at alcoholism.

If you are addicted to drugs, what should you do?
Try to lessen the damage to yourself and others.

What else can people become addicted to?
Anything that helps you escape.

Do you know how much illegal drugs cost?
Yes. It’s in all the stories.

Do you think it is easy to buy illegal drugs where you live?
I’m not sure. I imagine so.

Which is worse, a peaceful drug addict or a violent non-addict?
A peaceful addict.

Should pregnant women be arrested for child abuse if they use drugs when they are pregnant which may affect the baby?
No.

Cancer patients find that marijuana stops their pain. Should it be legal for them?
Yes.

Do you think experimenting with alcohol and cigarettes leads to experimenting with harder drugs?
In a very, very small amount of cases, yes. What are you going to do, ban beer and smokes?

Do you think ecstasy is dangerous?
I think anything is dangerous if you have to much, but yes.

At what age should it be legal to drink and smoke?
I think 18’s good for cigarettes, and tobacco should be lowered to 17.

Do we use too many prescription drugs?
No.

What are natural remedies?
Non-chemical treatments.

Are natural remedies like homeopathy and herbal medicine drugs too?
Yes. And I’m a big believer in homeopathy.

Do we give too many prescribed drugs to children?
No. I think the rise in anti-depressants for kids needs looking at.

Why is the cost of prescription drugs so high?
Because of research and distribution costs, but also greed.

Have you ever used a prescription drug without a prescription?
Yes. I have taken someone else’s medicine.

What do you think society ought to do about people who spend most of their time and money getting high on illegal drugs? Why?
Nothing. It’s a personal choice unless it hurts someone else.

Should employers be allowed to “drug test” their employees?
Only if they have reason to believe that an employee’s drug use is putting others at risk.

Why do you think people start using drugs?
For the pursuit of happiness.

What should happen to babies who are born addicted to drugs?
They should be weaned off them – no pun intended.

What would you do if someone in your family were addicted to drugs?
I would tell them that I know and ask if it made any difference and ask if I can help in some way.

Do you think that marijuana should be legal for medical uses with a prescription from a doctor?
Yes.

42!

1. Dan Says:
   August 7th, 2008 at 10:19 am
   5

How old were you when you went on your first flight? Where did you go?
Probably two or three. I think I went Tunisia.

Do you like to travel by airplane?
I love it. Oooh, I love flying.

What was the longest flight you have ever taken?
Not that long in one go. I think Seattle from London, which is about 11 hours.

What seat do you prefer: window, center or aisle?
Depends where I’m flying. If you ever fly to Nice, get on the port side window (port side, check me out). You get the Alps and the coastline after the turn past Marseille.

What are three things you’re supposed to do before the flight takes off?
Restore your seat to the upright postion, fast your safety belt, turn off your mobile phones and make sure your table is put away, make sure your baggage is not causing and obstruction, pay attention to the safety announcement. Loads of things.

What do you like to do during the flight? Does the plane provide anything to do to pass the time?
I like to write and have a drink.

What are some movies you remember seeing on the plane?
Babe. And during the showing they served bacon sandwiches.

What do you do when you experience turbulence?
Hold my glass in my hand so it won’t spill.

Have you ever met anyone or established any relationships during a flight?
I have met people but never stayed in touch.

What should be done with obese people who practically take up two seats?
They should have wider seats on planes for people who need them.

Can you sleep during the flight?
I can sleep practically anywhere through anything.

Have you ever seen a female pilot? Why do you think that most pilots are men?
I don’t think I have ever been flown by a female pilot, but I have seen them. I think generally men like engines and things more, and that’s probably where wanting to be a pilot starts.

Would you like to be a flight attendant? What are the benefits and /or downfalls?
No. I’m not sociable enough. I imagine you get to travel a lot, but it’s pretty rootless. That’s a benefit for some.

Are most flight attendants female? Is being a flight attendant considered a good job in your country? What do you think are the qualifications?
I think it depends on the airline and the culture of that country. It’s a decent job, though. I think you have to have training, but there might height and weight restrictions.

Are planes really safer than cars? ( A British study shows that flying is 176 times safer than walking, 15 times safer than driving and 300 times safer than a motorbike.)
I’m tempting fate now, but if depends what you mean by safe. I’d rather have a walking accident that a flying one. In terms of fatalities, it’s very safe.

Would you rather have a younger, more beautiful/handsome flight attendant or an older, more experienced one?
Experienced in what? Handing me my drinks. I’d go for looks, because I’m shallow, but I think older people can be beautiful. I saw Ranulph Fienes (no idea how how spell it) and he has the most amazingly stunning features. And Catherine Deneuve is just ridiculously beautiful, so there you go.

What are the advantages of traveling by airplane? What are the disadvantages?
You get there fast and in relative comfort. I could do without the jetlag, but I’d probably get more tired out if I got there slower.

Do you know someone who is afraid of flying in an airplane?
Yes. She hates it and I wish I could fly with her.

What questions should you ask when buying airplane tickets?
I make sure they know I’m down for a veggie meal, but normally they will tell me what I need to know, and I can find out the rest myself, like if there’s a delay or what gate I’m boarding at.

What is a group rate?
A cheaper fare for more bookings.

What is a charter flight?
A non-scheduled journey paid for by a tour operator.

What arrangements should you make for pick-up at the airport?
Time, terminal and contact telephone number.

What things can you see in an airport?
Happy greetings, tearful goodbyes, business meetings, “please honey why’s”, cleaners and loos, electrical lights, smellies and booze, signs for the flights.

What questions do they ask you when you check-in at the airport?
Did you pack your bags yourself, have you left your bags unattended, could anyone have interfered with your baggage, do you have any sharp metal objects or flammable material (they mean inflammable, so I always say no in the interests of grammatical correctness) in your luggage.

What questions do they ask you when going through immigration and customs at the airport?
How long are you staying, what’s the purpose of your trip, or welcome home.
Flight Of The Humble Me

Flying To Lean

Flying And The Thingness Of Things

1. Katy Newton Says:
   August 7th, 2008 at 10:05 am
   59

What does the future hold?
Me by the neck.

What will the future be like?
Like this only faster.

Who invented the very first computer?
The very first? Depends what you call a computer. An adding machine? Could they be mechanical? Ancient civilisations has things that worked out angles and stuff. Those are kind of computers.

What is AI?
Articificial interlligence. There’s a lot of that on this blog.

What is the definition of a ‘robot’?
Something that has moving parts and a degree of logic and harbours thoughts of cold malice and the potential of co-ordinated aggression.

Where did the word ‘robot’ come from?
It comes from a Czech word for worker. I actually knew that.

Can robots tie shoes?
Yes, but would you let them?

Will robots replace humans?
They already are in some areas.

Will robots take our jobs?
In a heartbeat. Of a human, because robots do not have hearts. They will take our jobs. They will also take our women and our precious metals.

How will the development of robots that think change your future?
In any way they can.

Imagine the job you wish to hold when you get older - could a robot be programmed to do that job as well as you?
No. Robots have no compassion and therefore very poor news judgement.

A film like The Matrix has explored the idea that we might be living in virtual reality. But what evidence is there for or against this hypothesis? And what are its implications?
It would explain a lot about my family.

Do you know ISAAC ASIMOV? What did he do?
I do not know him. He wrote books.

Can you think of movies that have robots in them?
Yes. Short Circuit.

Did you enjoy this movie?
No.

Do you think we create a new problem with each invention? Think of examples.
Velcro. Too noisy.

Is there anything that does not yet exist that you would like to see invented? What is it?
I’d like to see wireless electricity and universal charges.

Where do you plan on going to college?
I have already been.

What type of job would you like to do in the future? How do you get that type of job? Will you make much money in that job?
In the future I would like to do something well paid that involves no work.

Do you want to get married?
Thanks, but I already am. You seem nice though.

Do you know who you are marrying?
I thought I did at the time. I thought I did. At the time.

What high school are you going to go to?
I’m not.

How can we preserve the future for the next generation?
By determining the motives of robots.

How will computers change in the future?
By osmosis.

How will cellphones change in the future?
They will perform great feats of strength.

How will transportation develop in future times?
On that train all graphite and glitter, undersea by rail. Ninety minutes from New York to Paris.

How old will people live to be in the future?
In ten years time they will be a decade older.

What kind of developments might happen in health care in the future?
I think we’ll be able to cure more things but the distribution of medicine will remain a problem. I will always be King Of Pain.

Could there be another world war in the future? How can we prevent a world war from happening?
Yes. We can avoid it by meaning dialogue, and by raising awareness against the impending robot uprising.

Where do you plan on going in the future?
I’m already there. But at the time of writing, New York.

Can fortune-tellers predict the future?
Yes, I think they can. Funny story.

Where do you hope to travel before you die?
Somewhere by ballon. I’ve always wanted to take a balloon ride.

What do you hope to do in your life?
Change the world.

How will technology change?
It will get smaller, faster and cheaper. By this I mean it will be easily misplaced and we won’t be able to catch it, but we’ll be able to buy another one.

Do you think life will be more difficult or easier for our grandchildren? In what ways?
I think communication will improve, but they will have nothing to say.

How do you think (your country) will change in the future?
I’d like to see the empire back again. Only joking. I have no idea.

How will the United States and the world order change in the future?
I think China and India will do some things, but it will be a while before they outsource stuff to the US.

How do you think YOU will change in the future?
I will also be smaller and cheaper, but I will slow down.

Do you think the future will be better or worse for your grandchildren?
I’m saying better. I don’t know.

Do robots go to college?
Yes. They have robot parties and get into debt.

Would you marry a robot?
No, but I would have many friends of the opposite species.

Do you think that one day robots will serve as childcare providers?
They already do in small ways. They heat our food and give us the money that we use to provide for our families.

How would you feel if you child liked the robot better than he/she liked you?
I would feel like the war had started.

1. Sam Says:
   August 7th, 2008 at 9:42 am
   22 is my favourite number, I’ll let you borrow it for a while but I need it back in good nick.

Do you like shopping for new clothes?
Not really. I like having good clothes, but not necessarily new ones. I’m not a fan of shopping.

Do you often buy new clothes?
Properly every couple of years. I’d rather go out in one day and buy six of everything than this and that here and there.

Do you think men should be allowed to wear skirts?
No, but kilts are cool, I think, but only on Scots. But no. Skirts? Please. I think women look hot in men’s clothes, though, sometimes.

What piece of clothing do you spend your money on the most? Why?
Probably sunglasses if that counts, and maybe jackets.

Do you read fashion magazines?
Yes, but only for the articles.

Do you sometimes wear a hat?
I wear a baseball cap when it’s raining, but only away from the office, because it makes me look really young. And you can’t really wear a baseball cap and a suit unless you are in the opening scene of Paris Texas. I have written about the hat thing. It’s a shame. It was more a damning indictment of our bare-headed times.
Do you think it is important to wear fashionable clothes?
Important know. It matters a bit not to wear unfashionable things. You don’t have to be cutting edge, but I wouldn’t turn up wearing pantaloons and a flouncy shirt. I would avoid being described as whimsicle.

Do you wear jewelry?
I have a wedding ring which I had made for me and I love it. I have a ring on my other hand’s ring finger which symbols on it which mean Joy, Propserity, Fruitfullness and Happiness in runes. I often wear a wrist mala, but my currently employer is very straight, so I now tend not to, preferring to wear my sleeve on my heart. Necklaces on men are ok, but not me. I’m kind of slight with delicate (but tough, right?) features so jewellery on me would look effeminate.

Do you wear the same color clothes now that you wore ten years ago?
More or less. Although ten years ago I bought casual clothes at Millets.

Do you wear the same size clothes this year as you wore last year?
Yes.

Do you think people feel different when they wear different clothes?
I think they feel different no matter what they do. The car you drive, the words you use, the thoughts you have, the clothes you wear. Everything makes a difference.

Have you ever made your own clothes?
No, I once tried to make a bandana out of a Japanese rising sun flag, but I cut a triangle and it looked dumb. I should have known that bandanas are square and are folded into triangles.

How many pairs of gloves do you have?
One smart leather pair, my “City Stranglers” a pair of skiing gloves and a pair of really warm fleece waterproof ones.

What are some of the strangest fashions you have seen?
The one with the baggy jeans around the arse was pretty stupid.

What colors do you think look good on your mother?
I’m colourblind with a dead mother. What kind of a question is that?

What did you wear yesterday?
Chinos and a sleeveless blue checked shirt, brown shoes, a smart blue jacket with a purple lining.

What do you think of body piercing?
Don’t mind it. I think kids with pierced ears are nice but not on kids. No so much in the nose. Belly button’s ok, too, but everyone’s got that now.

What do you think of people who dye their hair green?
Can’t say I notice. I have had friends dye their hair red since I last saw them, and come up to me going: “Eh? Eh, right? Yeah? Eh?” And I haven’t noticed because red looks brown to me.

What do you think of women who wear high heel shoes?
I wouldn’t form an opinion based on the shoes, but they can look OK. I’m probably more likely to hit it off with someone who wears sneakers or walking boots.

Do you think high heel shoes are bad for a person’s health?
It’s a paradox. It improves your visibility, but increases your stopping distance.

What fashions that you see today do you think will be out of fashion within two years?

I think black will be the new comedy.

What is your shoe size?
10 UK

What kind of clothes are in fashion now?
Edibles. Trust me.

What kind of clothes do you usually wear?
New media casual. Trousers or smart jeans, with a pressed shirt and jacket.

What’s the most expensive piece of clothing you have ever bought?
A motorcycle jacket.

What’s your favorite color for shoes?
Brown, more out of versatility than a statement.

When was the last time you got dressed up?
Last month for a friend’s fourtieth. I was told it wasn’t black tie, so I wore a light summer suit, and was the only one not in a tux. I felt like Tom Wolfe in a field of penguins.

Where do you usually buy clothes?
Everywhere. Once I found stuff that suits me I stick with it. But then every couple of years they change their styles, and I’d prefer it if the times moved with me, rather than the other way around. I like jeans from one place, shirts from another, jackets from another. This is really hard writing about myself.

Would you like to be a fashion model?
No way. I couldn’t take the attention. See above.

What would you think of a women who cut off all her hair and went around bald as a fashion statement?
Some women look great bald. You have to have the head for it. Demi Moore and Samantha Morton have great heads. But some women look like the bloke from Midnight Oil and that’s not sexy.

What do you think of a man who is bald for fashion’s sake?
See above. Bruce Willis has a nice head. Maybe that’s why they split up, head envy.

What do you think of women who wear short mini-skirts?
Again, the question is what do I think of the women I don’t know? They are women.
Mini-skirts are ok, but it depends on the woman. Some men look great with their shirts off, with others it’s like: “Dude, please.”

Do you think that the clothes we wear reflect what is inside us?
No, but that would be so cool. How would that work, some kind of internal projection system hooked up to our organs? Wow.

What do you think of people who always and only wear black?
Don’t mind. It doesn’t seem very versatile. Unless you are Jonny Cash.

What do you think of people with tattoos?
Depends, I think they can be good.

Do you have a tattoo?
Nah. I’d get one. I have a good idea of what I’d get too, but I worry I might change my mind after five years.

Do you know someone with a tattoo?
Tons of people.

What would you think of a high school student who always wore very conservative clothes?
I’d think they are probably using conformity to rebel, given the way teenagers dress, so I’d say right on.

What type of clothing do you wear when you are angry and you want to express yourself?
Clothes which express bottled up bitterness and a sad, quiet desperation.

What colors do you choose to wear when you are happy?
Something infectious.

Would you dress the same as you do in your country if you went to America for a visit?
No, I think Americans are much more relaxed. Plus, I’d be on holiday, so I’d probably be dressed in a comfortable, relaxed, but versatile style.

If you went out with a group of high school friends, would you dress differently then if you went out with your grandmother and her friends?
Sure.

In what ways does your Grandmother dress differently then you?
She’s dead too. I think this questionnaire is aimed at people much younger than me.
When you get old do you think you will dress like your grandmother or grandfather?
No, I think I’ll be wearing the styles I wore as dapper adult, which will be out of fashion by then.

Would you ever wear dreadlocks?
I once braided my hair for a laugh for the years it was down to my shoulders. It looked stupid.

Would you ever wear contacts to change your eye color?
No. I couldn’t stick anything in my eye at all ever.

What is the difference in the people who choose to wear contacts and the people who choose to wear glasses?
Oh, hang on. I’ve heard this one. Is it that has eyes for lookers and the other has lies for ‘ookers. Is that it?

What do you think about women who don’t wear earrings?
Whores. The lot them.

What do you think about men who wear earrings?
I think it’s a little ugly.

Is it possible for women to wear too much make-up?
Oh, totally. What would it say about me if I said women could never wear too much makeup.

What do you think of men who wear make-up?
I’m not a fan. In fact, I’m kind of against it, unless it’s to cover up some blemish (which I have done, by the way)

Is it possible to be beautiful without wearing any make-up, earrings or other accessories?
God, of course. Again, what kind of monster, etc.

Do fashionable clothes really change the way a person looks?
Yes, although I’m no expert on what constitutes fashion.

What differences have you noticed in the fashions here and in your country?
You mean here on the internet? It’s all going wide, isn’t it, with the pages. Supersizing and understated is the way to go, think.

What do you think of men who where tights?
I think they should leave me well alone. The only time I have worn tights was when I was doing some kind of extreme sports in the days before lycra. Personally, I was kayaking in winter seas and they were wool, and you can fuck off.

What do you think about secondhand clothes?
Cool.

Why do you think people buy secondhand clothes?
Because it’s cheap and environmental and you can find something unique.

Have you ever been to a store that sells secondhand clothes?
Yes.

Have you ever bought secondhand clothes?
Yes.

Would you buy secondhand clothes?
Yes.

When and where did you buy an article of clothing you’re wearing right now? Why did you choose it?
I have a Timberland rain coat. I bought it from a factory outlet place and it cost £50. That’s why I chose it and also because it was raining today.

What would you think if the mother of the groom wore black at a wedding?
I’d think it would be OK. I’d be more surprised if she turned up in white.

What would you think if a bride wore red?
I’d work it into the speeches and wait for the fireworks. Joking.

Should a bride’s dress be long or do you think it could be the length of a regular skirt?
No idea.

What items of clothing do you consider provocative?
Brass knuckles.

What do you think of men wearing high heels?
Are these the same men who were I the tights?

What do you think of women wearing high heels?
Fine.

Why is it acceptable for women to wear men’s clothing, but not for men to dress in women’s clothing?
I don’t know.

In your country do children have to wear school uniform? Do you think it is a good idea or not?
They do, but I never did, because I went to school in other countries.

What would you do or feel if you were refused entry to somewhere because of what you are wearing?
I have been and was really annoyed. I was not allowed to make a reservation in a restaurant because I was wearing biker clothing. I had been on my motorcycle and they were clearly accepting nothing. So I walked away and called them and they took a reservation for that night. Then I walked back and asked them for another reservation, and they refused, then walked away and made another one, then walked back and asked them what the fuck they were playing at. As if I’d go there dressed like a biker.

Do you think dress codes should be adhered to if requested on an invitation?
Yes. If you’re invited somewhere and you don’t like the terms, then don’t accept.

What would you wear to meet royalty or the President of your country?
Depends on the setting and in what capacity.

Would you go to a fancy dress party? Why or why not?
I don’t really enjoy them. I had a hat party once and wore a World War 2 Army helmet.

How much do you spend getting ready to go to school/college/work; out with friends; to a party? Do the times vary much?
About 20 minutes.

Hello – you’ve reached This Is This, but I can’t get to the blog at the moment. Your reading is important to me, so please leave a comment and someone will get back to you.

Actually I’m in New York. In fact, if you’re reading this on Sunday lunchtime, the chances are that I’m across in New Jersey having a beer with regular contributor here (not to mention friend extraordinaire constant and true) Len G sitting in his garden right now drinking a beer and eating food in the sun.

If you’re Len and you’re reading this on Sunday lunchtime then is kind of awkward, because I’m at your house and you’re reading my blog while I’m outside drinking your beer. And that’s kind of weird.

But the point is, I’m away from the site for a bit. The good news is that the hits will keep on coming because I’m going to keep posting with a little feature called You Asked For It.

I’m not a believer in fate, but I do like throwing caution to the wind and going “hm.” when something cool happens, which it often does. So while I’m away there will be a number of posts written in advance and here’s how it happened.

Not only are the topics random, but the way they were selected was left up to chance.

1. First, I googled Conversation Topics and the first thing that came up was a page of discussion areas on a site about learning English as a foreign language.

2. Then I cut and pasted them into a spreadsheet and it turned out there were 135 categories.

3. Then I asked you to leave a number in the comments and then we had a topic.

And we’re golden. No, silver. Bronze? Well, we took part.

Maybe I’ll post if I get a chance while I work on the Great American Blog Post, but in the meantime, this is to writing what lipsyncing is to singing.

You Asked For It - starts tomorrow.

1. Some folks like to get away, take a holiday from the neighbourhood

2. - hop a flight to Miami Beach or to Hollywood.

3. I’m taking a Greyhound on the Hudson river line.

4. I’m in a New York state of mind.

Three of the above statements are true. Only one is false.

Come back tomorrow to find out.

Here’s a great new ballad that sounds like a classic. It’s like an old George Jones tune, or with a bit of drive could have been written by Hoagy Carmichael. Instead it was written by Chris Issak’s bass guitarist Roly Salley for his own 2005 album.

It ended up on the 2007 collaborative LP by Alison Krauss and Robert Plant. It’s got a great opening line, extracted here and a chorus that’s so beautiful that it to put it here feels like something approaching desecration.

Alison Krauss said of this: “When you combine a melody that lifts you up with a lyric like that, it’s a twisted thing. When you get that combination, that is really something.”

Enjoy.

Leaves were falling, just like embers, in colors red and gold,
they set us on fire burning just like moonbeams in our eyes.

Listen: Killing The Blues

—
Related pages
Weekend Song archive

Check it out. It’s like a title track. You know how bands have a song on their album that’s also the title track of the album? That’s what I’m doing with today’s post.

If you’re Iron Maiden, you can have your name as the album and have a song called Iron Maiden too. But I’m not Iron Maiden. Also, I think changing my name to This Is This might be a bit odd.

It would be even more odd than the time when I’m talking to someone about websites and there’s the explaining stuff and saying: “OK, so we’re going to have a thing here and that there, and then over here we’ll keep things the same. This is this, this is this and this is this.”

Then I go, “Um, ok” and wonder why they keep saying that. That’s odd.

Can I just say now that I love my dog. I love the way my dog knows when I’m about to stroke him. The way his expression changes the moment before I make the decision, like he can read my feelings but not my thoughts. I love the way our pets know us in the dark.

Hmmm.

As you may know, I grew up outside of Philadelphia and occasionally I’d go into the city with my friends and parents. We’d go see the Phillies play or go to a museum like the Franklin Institute, or just go to record stores and get pizzas or cheesesteaks on South Street.

Anyway, one say some of my friends one day went into the city with their parents and their car was stolen, so they had to get the train home. The car turned up two weeks later in a rough neighbourhood in north Philadelphia and it was returned to them without a scathe.

Now, the car thieves had left a tape in the car stereo. It was a rap tape, and the coolest thing the kids had ever heard. In their lives. It might have been light by today’s standards, but for the early 80’s it was what I was just learning to call “the shit”.

And that’s the thing kind of with the weekend song, because it’s a glimpse of someone else’s taste. Title tracks aside, it’s not too much of a stretch to think that there’s a connection of preferences here, so that’s exactly why it happens.

Have a great weekend.

There’s a story going around that traditional names are dying out. It’s true that you don’t run into many Ednas these days, or if you do, their running days are over.

The list included the following names.

Norman
Walter
Percy
Harold
Ernest
Herbert
Clifford
Gertrude
Edna
Ethel
Irene
Ada
Norah
Olive

Hmm. Clifford. There’s no way I’m in the same league as a Percy or a Herbert. I’m a Cliff anyway. I saw the writing on the wall a long time ago.

It says Cliff on my passport, which I don’t know how I pulled off, because it’s in no way official.

Am I the only person under 40, no – 50 , with this name? I’d like to see old fashioned names coming back. Both my kids have old-fashioned names. My dentist has a boy called Stanley, which I love. There was a kid who lived next to me called Archie, which is also great.

For the record, Dad, I think it’s a fine name. The important thing at this stage is not to blame ourselves.

All next week on This Is This:

You Asked For It!
A series of posts based around questions you unwittingly asked.

Plus:

Fact Or Fiction With Billy Joel!
He may be wrong, but for all we know he may be right

And:

The Weekend Song!
Now from current albums for a change

It’s all on next week’s This Is This.

Except not today, because I am busy resizing a headshot for an illustration under the entry “Busy” in the dictionary.

But I’m here aren’t I? I’m writing and this counts as a blog post.

Actually, I’ve always thought of this site as more than just a blog. At times it’s almost like a rubaiyat. I’ve always wanted on of those. Like Omar Khayyam. He loved a rubaiyat, Omar. He loved them so much he bought the company.

Or a paean. I’d have to work on my metre, but why not? I could totally write a paean. I’d write paeans in the key of Awesome.

Ah - the joys of automated content aggregation.

Here’s one from Sky News at the weekend. Look at the background content puffbox in the bottom right hand side of this picture.

Not offended? How about this story on today’s AOL News , about payouts being cut for drunk rape victims? Just click the search link at the top of the article for automatic, targetted paid links taking you neatly to “no win no fee” compensation law firms.

Excuse? “It was the computers. Bad computers. Bad. We keep telling them, but they won’t listen.” Get the staff.

Well, I said “bullets in the fire” and no one said anything. No one. I’m actually disappointed that no one asked me what the hell it meant. I would have respected them more for it.

I might have something there. I should see how big an asshole I can act before someone tells me to fuck off. Then, I’ll know that person is cool. No, hang on, I do that already.

I really enjoyed the Olympic opening ceremony. I wanted to get a bird’s next and surround it with lit sparklers and create my own version at home. But really, it had it all. We had some beers going at work as a celebration for getting the coverage out, sadly I was on a conference call planning the US Election. Ah well.

I did manage to take part in a little national stereotyping, though. But it was weird when countries don’t have a national dress, because you’re not sure what they are going to wear. As groups of Arabs flowed past in white robes and headgear, Team Bermuda walked out in red blazers like Butlin’s staff. And Canada – they looked like waiters in the casual light dining option of a fancy hotel. Would a little flannel have been too much trouble?

The USA should have dressed out as cowboys and the French could have come out with stripey jumpers, on bicycles with berets on their heads and a string of onions round their necks – there I said it.

I felt sorry for the people whose national costume was matched faithfully to their own climate. There’s a reason people wear long felt coats and fur hats in Nepal, and it’s not so they can walk around a Chinese in 95 per cent humidity.

To demonstrate editorial balance, I think the Brits should have gone for Beefeater costumes. I can say this without being racist because I am a limey pom. Or bowler hats with pinstipe suits while marching about like twits. Or for the full effect they could have brought out a little bald man and run behind him while he chases a woman with big tits around the track to the sound of a cheeky saxophone riff. That’s what people want to see.

Anyway – good luck in the Olympics, from whichever backward godforsaken hellhole you crawl. I think I might have a slight teensy thing for Kelly Sotherton, but it won’t last. It’s the eyes. You know how some people have really expressive eyes?

I could be mad as hell at you and I’ve got a expression like a cold wet fish. You know when a lion kills something and it’s just looking like it’s taking care of business? A bit like that. Sometimes. I get happy and sad, but there’s not the sparkle you get in some people’s eye.

Alan Alda. Great eyes again. Piercing hawk eyes. Eyes like bullets in the fire.

Here’s a fun thing. I don’t often publicise things done my my colleagues, but my colleagues do a lot, so it can be hard to avoid. It’s just a bit of cheesey fun.

You can upload a picture of yourself and it puts you in a video.

Go on, be a Spooks spy

I’m not a huge fan of the DMB, but this one has been in my head all week.

I like his voice because it’s got that quiet power. The chorus is great. The only bad thing is the really awful electric violin sound, but we can look past that.

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more

Listen - The Space Between

—
Related pages
Weekend Song archive

This morning I thought of a business phrase that I’m going to use in a meeting later. “Bullets in the fire” is like a timebomb that might get you. It’s something that could go wrong, and if it did, you’d go “yeah, we were aware that that might have happened, but we took the risk.”

And I’m going to do it. I’m going to use it. And the thing that probably best sums me up more than a couple of dozen posts here is that I’ll think it’s hi-larious that no one will know I’m joking.

It’s a really stupid phrase and if I didn’t invent it then I should have because it’s awesome. There’s no off position on the genius switch – you don’t need David Letterman to tell you that, even though he did. Paul McCartney at first didn’t think he wrote Yesterday because it was too familiar. Which is weird, because Noel Gallagher thinks he wrote Cigarettes & Alcohol.

I really hate business phrases. I have been told I too often try to “boil the ocean”. I have a vague idea what that means, but F that S.

I don’t mind internetisms, but that’s because they are new phrases to things that had no equivalent before with passive, linear content like TV or radio. Engagement and uniques and everything like that – they may be new, but they mean something.

Right now there’s someone sitting opposite me on the train. I’m on the aisle because it gives me more room to type, and so is she, sitting in three seats facing three other seats in kind of a huddle. There’s only one person sitting by the window, so there are four free other seats in the middle of the group. So when someone wants to sit there, they have to get past me and her sitting across from me. There’s about seven inches between our legs (googling porn fans – hello) and everytime someone wants to get past, we have to turn a bit to the site to let them in. You know how you do, you give each other a tight, goofy smile as they brush by like it’s all cool, but don’t smile too much because that makes the contact seem very odd.

Trouble is, she’s not doing any of the turning. Any of it. I’m doing 100 per cent of the turning to allow people in. This keeps happening as people go into and out of those seats. So I’ve decided, fuck it, I’ll do 50 per cent of the turning and make her look stupid. I’ll do my share and no more. You know what? She still doesn’t move. Time after time, I move my share and do the goofy smile and then they have to brush by and she doesn’t care how dumb she looks. Trouble is, they people brush by me more, because I’m one doing the tight, goofy smile, so they know I’m all right.

I hope she’s dead. There’s no other excuse for being that rude.

Hey – how would you all feel about a live event? I don’t know what yet, maybe the blog updating live or some kind of chat-based room thing somehow. I’d frame it around an event – I’m thinking like the Olympics just because it’s a worldwide event.

Now here I go: Would that be cool? Would anyone turn up? Would it seem too self serving (because it’s really not, it’s just something I’ve never done before and I think Lives might be fun) Is this a rip off of things that other people do better already? I hate ripping things off. I don’t tell a lot of jokes on this site just because I think I may have heard them somewhere else and I don’t want to say the funny thing in case a reader can place what I can’t, even though I probably thought of it myself.

OK, right just now I just walked from the platform onto the tube and there on the seat behind me is a free sport paper with an Olympic viewing schedule on it. So what do you think?

Show of hands who would be interested in principle at some kind of live event thing. And no Sam, I’m not talking about breakfast.

Oh crap. I just remembered the Olympics end at lunchtime here and then start again at one in the morning. That’s not going to work. Anyone know of any live global events that start around 10PM BST?

Have a great weekend.

Hello. I need a bunch of numbers from 1 to 135.

Please leave your number in the comment below, or text or email if you want.

I need a bunch, so I’d like each commenter to give one number only, and not to submit a number which has already been left.

There is a point to this - bear with me - but it is absolutely serious.

Thanks.

- UPDATE

This is totally great. By selecting numbers, you have unwittingly chosen from a list of topics in my possession, each of which carries their own set of questions which I will answer in later posts. So far, we have:

Sam - Clothes And Fashion!

Katy - The Future!

Dan - Airplanes!

Gordon - Drugs!!

g - Earthquakes!

Miss T in the hizzaz - Eye Contact!

Anna - Manners!

Mike - Gardening!

Sheppitsgal - Accidents At Home!

Asta - Beauty and Physical Attractiveness!

Ed - Home!

Jonners - Culture!

Len - Baseball!!!!!! (I kid you not. I will publish the list once all the entries are in and you can see for yourself. Not that I am lying, because coincidences happen here ALL THE TIME. See for yourself if they’re not in alphabetical order.)

Scroobious - Basketball! (see?)

Sooz - Annoying Things!

Versefamebeuty - Celebrities!

Pseudonymph - Friends!

Clair - Likes & Dislikes!

Scaryduck - Habits!

Ok, everyone – that’s it. The lines are now closed. I have plenty to be getting on with. Thanks for taking part and I’ll get writing and publish this stuff soon as I need to.

If you are reading this on a dating website, please be aware that this is being used without my permission. This content is being used illegally and without my consent and I am seeking legal advice. If you work for the dating site, then stop stealing my writing. I know people who know people who can jam your site in a heartbeat, sending your flimsy, plagiaristic business plan to the cleaners. Genuine This Is This reader, I will explain this at the end of today’s post.

There was story going around this week about a guy who had received a new form of cancer treatment called cyberknife. It’s a highly accurate form of radiotherapy that is pinpoint-accurate and can deliver a high dose to within a 1mm accuracy range.

That’s all fine, but when the Daily Mail got hold of it, the headline became:

My life was saved by the same knife-wielding robot that treated Patrick Swayze

Seriously. The journalist had to look up who else has had this treatment, because otherwise people probably won’t read it. So you add a little bit of Daily Mail pixie dust.

First, you want to start your headline with “my”. “My drugs hell.” “My cheating angel.”

Personalise it.

Good. Then let’s add some drama. For that, change the word blade to “knife”.

Then add some action. Words like “plunge” instead of “fall”. Why use “accident” when you can have “smash”?

If someone has a knife, what are they doing with it? “Wielding”, that’s right.

Then add a touch of celebrity. Who has had this disease before? What sounds better: “Man survives car accident” or “How I cheated death car smash like Grace Kelly”?

That’s right.

My life was saved by the same knife-wielding robot that treated Patrick Swayze.

If you went to the doctor’s, you wouldn’t be filled with confidence if you were told: “You’re lucky we caught this early, because you’ve got a decent chance of survival. You should get the all clear once you face our knife-wielding robot.”

You know how I feel about machines plotting to take over the world. We trust them far too much. After we get paid we stick our money in a bank and have to ask the robots to give us our cash. When will it stop, people? When will we rise up? Would you call a robot “brother”?

But the article goes too far. It says the “robot which can deliver the radiotherapy beams from several angles using robotic arms”. It’s a little dramatic even without the Patrick Swayze reference.

I have nothing against Patrick Swayze. He can dance, he can sing (a bit – listen to his single called She’s Like The Wind - trans: She Blows Me) and he can act, or at least he was good in The Outsiders and Roadhouse, made even better by Sam Elliot, who is incredible. I don’t care if Sam Elliot plays the same in every film he does, Charlie Parker never tried to sound like anyone else.

Reader’s voice: Hang on, what was all that shit before about a dating site stealing your posts?

So.

Speaking of trying to sound like someone else, there’s a dating site which has been ripping off my site. The content on here is made available for syndication on an RSS feed, meaning people can pull the content from here and read it in feed readers, mobile phones, or whatnot without visiting this site. And, if you know your web onions, you can put it in a widget and pull in into your own web page, and that’s cool, because I don’t have a lot of advertising on here and it’s not about page views on this site. I’m just happy people are reading.

But.

There’s a dating site, which I won’t mention because I don’t want to give them publicity, which has been pulling in posts from this site, and putting them on their main page alongside a lot of advertising and invitations to sign up for their service. Because of this, I changed my feed so it only pulls in the first two paragraphs instead of the whole post, which is a shame because it means that if anyone wants to read the whole post they have to click something else and visit this site, so that’s a pain for your average, honest reader who prefers to gather all their blog reading in one place. That’s also why I started the post the way I did.

I don’t want my writing to make money for anyone else without me agreeing to it, I don’t want people searching for stuff in google to be directed to their site instead of mine, I don’t want to help someone’s business without being paid for it and I definitely don’t want anyone else stealing my shit.

I have tried to contact the site, but there is no contact email of address. I have left comments under my own posts on their site saying “You do not have permission to use this content, please do not lift posts from my site. Dating service customers – this content has been stolen. Do not do business with this company.”

The comments go into moderation and do not appear. My next move is to contact their hosting company and tell them what’s going on, because they are bound to have a contact, but who knows how long that could take.

I guess you have very little control about what happens to your words once they are on the internet. People could steal my jokes or ideas or whatever. Frankly I don’t see the Weekend Song sweeping the nation, and that’s OK. But where people start using my ramblings to make money for themselves, that’s just poor.

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This from Clair of Moon In The Gutter 

1. My uncle once: fault in the Second World War.

2. Never in my life: have I held a spider in my bare hands.

3. When I was five: I moved to the US.

4. High school was: Boring. Very, very boring. I was a bright kid, but was soooo bored.

5. I will never forget: driving through the middle of a rainbow.

6. Once I met: Dizzy Gillespie.

7. There’s this girl I know: who is the UK’s best triathlete.

8. Once, at a bar: I pretended I was with the Williams F1 team. We were actually on a jolly with sport journalists so we knew all the answers to F1 – we were in France just before the season started and I think we fooled everyone.

9. By noon, I’m usually: thinking about lunch.

10. Last night: I watched Papillon. I thought it was disappointing.

11. If only I had: thought of others.

12. Next time I go to church: I’ll light a candle for her.

13. What worries me most: is that I’ll never do what I set out to get done.

14. When I turn my head left I see: a sofa.

15. When I turn my head right I see: cameras.

16. You know I’m lying when: I say too much.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: weekends in the mountains.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Falstaff.

19. By this time next year: my causes will have effects.

20. A better name for me would be: Thinks With Pencils

21. I have a hard time understanding: Why people who say they don’t like religion care so much about it.

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: be skating there from hell.

23. You know I like you if: I can talk to you. Unless I really like you, and then I can’t. Or if can be funny with you.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: the judges.

25. Take my advice, never: go to Calais on a Sunday.

26. My ideal breakfast is: pancakes and coffee.

27. A song I love but do not have is:God Only Knows by The Beach Boys

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: leave it and never go back. I did.

29. Why won’t people: recycle?

30. If you spend a night at my house: pancakes and coffee.

31. I’d stop my wedding for: no one. I’m married. This ship has sailed. Or at least slipped its moorings.

32. The world could do without: oil. HAHAHAHA only joking! Frank Sinatra.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the cock of a bellyroach.

34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: Steve McQueen and Kate Winslet.

35. Paper clips are more useful than: the Swiss.

36. If I do anything well it’s: probably a fluke.

37. I can’t help but: write.

38. I usually cry: this is going to sound stupid, but I’m not a big crier. I’m a stewer. I brew and worry.

39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: do your best.

40. And by the way: I was faking the whole time.

You are tagged. All of you. Tagged, I say.

Last one, I promise. Maybe.

Click picture for the full schematatatic. 

A recently divorced sub-editor gets a job at his former wife’s newspaper without her knowledge. As a foreign correspondent (a profession which precipitated the split), she sends her copy back to the newsroom and they strike up a relationship online.

Known only to her as Sergei (real name Dave), he rekindles (although to her, technically: kindles) a relationship every time his ex files.

Brilliant. Lunch?

—
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I’d like to spread the word that my dad (a proper writer), is speaking next week in an event up at the Edinburgh Festival.

Details are here, and if you haven’t bought his book yet, it’s now out in paperback right here.

Buy the book, fight to get a ticket to the event and watch my dad stick it to the Man (Booker Prize).

You really shouldn’t laugh at people’s appearances, but this is a matter of perspective from Loz’s blog.

There’s not much on a summer’s day that beats the quirky swear-laden Telecaster stylings of Liz Phair. If you don’t own a copy of Exile In Guyville, it’s just been made available on Itunes. Music geeks among us might care to know that the album, her debut, was a track by track response to the Exile On Main Street by the Stones.

She’s got this quiet voice that punches it out at the same time and she rocks my world and since a part of my world is a part of yours, there’s a little concentric thing going on. This song doesn’t really go anywhere, but that’s the privilege of youth, right?

So don’t look at me sideways.
Don’t even look me straight on.
Don’t look at my hands in my pockets, baby,
I ain’t done anything wrong.

Listen: Never Said

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Related pages
Weekend Song archive

So I thought I’d say something since I haven’t been writing for the last three days even though I’ve been busy here, obviously, with the powerpoint presentations obviously. I hope you found them informative.

It really needs to rain here. It’s really humid and has been for some time. It’s been getting tempers up. I don’t know if you’re reading this outside of south east England, but if you are – send rain.

OK, so I’m all done blogging here. Apologies to Dave Grohl who was due to appear on this site this week - sorry Dave, but we’re all out of time . Maybe next week, hey big guy?

Thanks to Dominos Pizza for their reply about why they can justify putting an e in front of something because it’s on the internet, thanks to my post on eloquence and thanks to you for reading this e-blog.

The Weekend Song tomorrow picks up the pace because it’s about time, then Sunday there’s a hilariously odd picture and on Monday there’s an idea for a television programme. It’s a doozy and I think could be my ticket off this site.

Have a great weekend.

Click the picture for the full schematic.