This Is This

It’s a dramatic title, you’ll give me that, but this post demostrates that sometimes I’m lazy as hell.

Last night I was waiting for the train and it was a cold night. It had been raining in the morning and then the sky cleared out and the sun saw no reason to stick around.

So I was standing there with trains rushing around me creating a breeze on an otherwise still night, black as a bible and twice as cold. I had my hands stuffed into my pockets as the cold bit through and I was thinking of the hat in my bag. My bag was  on my back keeping me warm and my hands were in my pockets so I decided against a short term investement of cold hands to cover my head, which would have warmed up my body.

I stayed rooted thinking of the train coming for ten minutes thinking how much warmer I’d be when the train comes. Eventually I realised how stupid I was being and got my hat. Is how an addictive personality works? I have no survival instinct. Actually, none of this is fair. I’m just lazy.

It’s like people who don’t pay attention and blame ADHD. I have my doubts about this, because there are loads of kids who say they can’t concentrate in school and yet can get totally absorbed in video games for hours. Hmmm, funny that. “I have a low tolerance threshold for boring things.” That’s more honest. Although if there’s a drug that helps me find bland stuff interesting, I’d take it.

I think doctors who are confronted with kids who have ADHD should start addressing the problem and then loose track and do something else.

“Doctor, can we focus here, please?”

“No, sorry.”

I don’t know, perhaps that’s not fair. Maybe these kids need our support, it’s not for me to say.

Weekend coming up. Me and Mr Angry are doing another podcast which drops on Monday or Tuesday. It should sound pretty good because we’ve got some decent sound equipment and if we can get that working, then we’ll be laughing. Maybe literally, I don’t know.

I’ll leave you with the words of Sylvia Plath, who said: “Everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise.”

Have a great weekend.

Tell me what you think about me - I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings, only ring your celly when I’m feelling lonely - when it’s all over please get up and leave.

But seriously: When did semi-skimmed become the norm for milk?

I’m on a bit of a fitness kick at the moment, and as a consequence of running under beautiful morning skies like this, I get really hungry before lunch. Like, fucking. And I eat a lot anyway. The only thing that quite cuts midmorning it is a large coffee, but the default milkage for mileage is semi-skimmed.

I want milk milk, but I guess I have to call it whole milk now. It’s like how chocolate has to be called dark chocolate and everyone calls milk chocolate just chocolate.

I know I’m right.

When did substantially less become a little bit more? What do I have to do, ask for a “fat cappucino”?

Semi skimmed only makes the rocking words turn around 180 degrees. I want milk.

Semi skimmed milk is evil. It’s only half milk. It’s a fact that if you give a kid a glass of semi skimmed milk to drink, they’ll get a little white Hitler moustache.

Oh, and the Phillies won. But if you cared, you’d know already. I don’t think people come here for baseball news much.

If you listened to the last podcast you may be wondering when the next one will be. Me and Mr. Angry have been wondering the same thing and we hope to get one one next week. We’ve got our – haha, I nearly said “act” – shit together with some ideas for the next one and we’re really pleased the last one was popular, but as always it’s up to you to promote it if you enjoyed it. Thanks for the plugs on the blogs.

In the next one, I have made a pledge that for every time I say the words “It’s funny”, I have to send a letter to a CEO of a FTSE 100 company advertising the podcast. This not only promotes the show but it gives those guys a laugh, because it just got tougher at the top. Maybe they can put it in their newsletters to the staff.

The thing that worries me about the credit crunch is that people will spend less money than they did before and there are consequences which will make the world a worse place. I haven’t read this anywhere so I’m just making it up and I may be completely wrong, but here goes.

All those farms that changed to organic food over the last few years as people switched to non-gm, and non-chemical alternatives. These alternatives were more expensive and farmers who had it hard already put their livelihoods on the line to meet this demand or lose their business. If people now switch back to cheaper, mass produced stuff, what happens to these farmers who are growing hand-reared rocket instead of the humble spud?

And cheap meat. Is animal welfare going to suffer if we all go out and buy a £3 chicken? I don’t know what a chicken costs, because I haven’t bought meat in nearly ten years, but if you do feast of the carcasses animals (which is absolutely fine, by the way) and you want to feed your family, you might need to cut a few corners.

Didn’t they promise us food pills? We’re we supposed to have those by now? It seems crazy that I can go online with my mobile phone and order food to be delivered to my house, but it’s still the same old food. Food pills seem to be quite some way off. I don’t want anything fancy. I’m a potato man, but I think it’s going to be a long long time before we get food pills.

Baseball news now, and the Phillies were aiming to wrap up the World Series last night when it was stopped for rain. Philadelphia is a big sports town. They have a team in every major league in the US. It is America’s second most populated city on the east coast. It isn’t the centre of politics like DC, it isn’t the business focus that New York is, and they haven’t won a major trophy in baseball, basketball or baseball since 1980. I was there for that and it meant everything. I want that to happen again, but last night’s game was the first World Series game to ever be stopped for rain, tied at 2-2 in the game that would have made the Phillies champions.

Maybe it’ll happen tonight, and tomorrow at 6:30am as I run across a dark frosty field, cracking into frozen puddles alongside the river, I’ll stop when I get out of breath to check the scores and I’ll run a little further than I did this morning. Running in the morning takes some doing getting up and stepping into a dark street into the cold, but it feels great once I’m on my way. It’s part of the Me Nazi thing that I’m sticking with. There’s a sixteen week plan and I’ll see where that takes me.

The Heathrow Express just went past my window. It was sponsored by RBS and the slogan said “Make It Happen”. It seems a desperate plea for a financial institution. There’s also a girl with a woven bag that says “I’m not a plastic bag” and now I’m thinking of getting a t-shirt made that says that, because fucking hell, I’m not a plastic bag, either.

Right – so that’s enough of that for today. I’m just looking around at stuff to write about now, and that’s not good, because when the material suffers, we all suffer.

Whenever I go to people’s houses I’m always drawn to their bookshelves, because it’s an insite into their interests. And the older someone gets the more interesting it is, because then you get to see which books they haven’t thrown away.

Also I’m nosy but don’t like asking questions and seeing what makes people tick. I still don’t know – I’ve never actually seen a person tick. I’ve seen people leech. I’ve seen them fly and slug, I’ve seen them bug in general, but not tick, no.

So it occurred to me that as a reader of here you have the misfortune of like-mindedness so here you go, my bookshelf in all its glory. This is only one bookshelf. The travel ones and the larger picture books and reference things are on another but apart from that it’s all as it is, minus the family pics and such. Looking at this it makes me wonder if I should have kept the books than I’ve given away, but that’s not really practical.

Ask questions if you want - you have to click the picture for the full version, which may take a while to download, but then it wouldn’t be fun if you couldn’t browse.

This is also one of those meme things, so you are tagged.

Here’s another one from Ben Taylor, who gave us a Weekend Song back here with one of my favourite tunes. If you like this, then check out Think A Man Would Know from the link above.

This is a delition renditicious of an modern classic evolved with his inimitably warm folkhop stylings, requested by October, my favourite time of the year. It’s in the manner of the Newton Faulkner song played a time back.

I know we’ve had Ben Taylor before but we had to share this.

I just want to be a woman

Listen: Glory Box

Hello. Cliff Jones here reporting from the twitching corpse of blogging.

Actually, reports of the death of blogging are greatly exaggerated. It’s interesting to read about this in newspapers, too. It’s like horses talking about the demise of cars. Things co-exist. Horses are still around. And like newspapers they are more for fun than function, they make a lot of mess and French people eat them.

Where was I? Newspapers have a place in reporting of course, and many have excellent websites, but blogging. It is not dead.

Just because we have Twitter and Facebook, doesn’t mean that writing is going to shrink to brief updates, any more than text messages have killed the novel.

Anyone saying blogging is dead is missing a crucial point. People have Facebook and Myspace pages and Tumbler areas and Flickr pages and Twitter updates and all that stuff, because it’s easy to have and it’s low maintenance broadcasting and it’s fun. But bloggers have these outlets too but they still keep blogs because they do something else.

I draw a line between the blogs and the other stuff because their blogs are not for quick updates to people I know. Cliff is walking the dog does two things. It bores people I don’t know, and it also tells people I don’t know that I am not in my house. Facebook also would connect the people I don’t know with people I do know who might not want to know that people I don’t know can get to know them.

People use Facebook in different ways, but this is just the way I use it. It’s complicated but it keeps things simple.

Blogs are the best of informing an audience in an engaging way, the rest are for sharing things in a convenient way. Sure, blogs are not convenient, but ask any writing blogger if twitter has replaced their updates and they will say no.

how come I can do this?

This?

Although I do find the podcast is starting to compete for my headspace, but let’s see where that goes.

Have a great weekend.

No post today because blogging is dead. The smoking gun lies somewhere in between Facebook and Twitter and Mebo. So there’s no post today.

It is dead. It died on the blog. With its browsers around its ankles.

I read it on the BBC.

Cliff is: Hitting publish

There’s an ad on the side of a bus now in London promoting atheism and it’s causing quite a stir. I like the idea of this because it gets people thinking and talking and there are already lots of ads promoting the existence of god.

Actually, let me put that another way, the ads promoting god are selling something that makes people money. They sell courses that yes may enrich people’s lives, but they are selling all the same. The atheist ads are selling nothing at all, just peddling the idea that there probably is no god. That’s it. No number to call, just a message telling people not to worry.

I thought atheists were positive there is no god. This seems more agnostic. But I like where their hearts are. There’s not enough comfortable doubt and goodwill in the world, especially in the field of advertising. What’s staggering is that the funding target to get ads on the side of busses was £5,500, and since yesterday, the amount raised has doubled.

To £53,800. Want to donate money youself? Go to hell you do.

The only thing that gets me about atheists is that they often do the fire and brimstone thing as much as the preachers. I have to watch myself now because I became a godfather this month and I don’t want to end up a pile of smoking shoes.

I think it’s useful and heartening for some people to believe in a god, or a religion. I’m non-theistic myself, and I would never let religion get in the way of doing what I wanted to do if it benefitted others.

It’s the Jews in the basement thing. The bible says to speak the truth, and you’re hiding a Jewish family in the basement. The Gestapo knock on the door and ask if there are any Jews in the basement and you think for a second, and remember your religious teaching and go: “You know what? There are Jews in the basement.”

Fuck that. You lie. You lie like a thieving stepchild, because that is the right thing to do.

Anyway, back to real-life matters, the I Am Livid podcast with Mr Angry is nestling at number 58 in the itunes comedy audio charts, which is great. It’s above Jonny Vaughan and Lisa Snowden.

Capital Radio announced last week they now have more listeners in London than the BBC’s Radio One, and Jonny and Lisa do the breakfast show, which is their biggest programme, so it’s no small potatoes to be there. And one of those spuds could be down to you so thanks if you downloaded the show on itunes and cheers for listening.

We did it.

We cast the pod.

Last night Mr Angry and I waxed lyrical in the fourth I Am Livid podcast. Well, wax is a strong word because of the amount of times I say “um” and “you know”, but have a listen and hopefully a laugh as we tackle subjects like the Bee Gees, sausages and Mash, lapdancing and death. Mr Angry genuinely also says “hullaballoo”, which has got to make this a winning podcast and me glad to have been a part of it.

If you want listen, please download it using itunes if you can so we can see how it does in the rankings.

Subscribe to the podcast here

If you don’t have itunes you can get the file here but it would be much better if you downloaded it there so we can get into the comedy podcast charts.
And if you like it and want to send it round to your mates, that would be just super.

Also, if you want to take part, please send emails, questions or sound files to PODCAST followed by the AT sign and then IAMLIVID.COM

Cheers and enjoy.

One of the good things about personal hard drive recorders or what ever you want to call them, is the series link button.

This means I can watch one show and then programme it for the whole series at the touch of a button. So I’ve been watching a lot of Mash. This was on the whole time I was a kid and although I watched it then, there are still loads of episodes I haven’t seen. And if I had I’d know.

I’m odd that way. I can’t remember what I had for lunch yesterday, but if you show me an episode of Friends, I can tell you three of the jokes coming up in that show that I haven’t seen in ten years and saw maybe twice then.

Hawkeye Pierce was a role model for me as a kid. He was a popular loner in the face of adversity and that appealed to me. In fact, I wanted to be a comedian/surgeon. But I knew I wouldn’t have been able to hack it – the long hours, the late nights, the watching people die. And then there’s the medical side.

Thanks to reader Abigail from Australia for clearing up why I got so many searches about how many ADHD sufferers it takes to change a lightbulb. Turns out that a newspaper down there had that as a crossword clue. I must love the internet, that is if love is defined by being more fascinated by something the more you learn about it. It’s cool to think that a hundred people reading a paper on their commute are led back here.

Anyway - it’s Monday people, and that can only mean one thing. That’s right. It’s Monday.

We’ve been doing this at work. They actually had my jacket, as well.

Go on, face your manga right up.

Of course, I really look like this:

but it’s not a million miles off.

I like a lot of rap, but it can be hard to pick a hardschool rap song that doesn’t put women down or encourage taking of drugs.

Fortunately this one mostly just promotes violence. Also (or is it “but”? - meh.) it’s got a great backing track with piano and baritone sax.

It also says the N-word, which is contentious, but it’s “nigga” so that’s ok in this context.

It’s not offensive if a black person uses it as a term of endearment and puts an “a” in it. The “a” makes everything all right, right?

Later, hankies.

Do you want to get your teeth knocked the fuck out?
Want to get on it like that, well then shout.

Listen: Shame On A Nigga
—
Related posts
Rudyard Says The N Word
The N Word And Me

I kind of gave a country a hard time yesterday, and I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea that I have anything against Arab nations, because I don’t. I’m a political guy, and I think that if any country infringes on the privilege of free individuals who do no harm to other consenting adults or the state as a whole, then I think it’s hypocritical to invite people there who hold those freedoms to heart.

It can have all the laws it wants, but it should print them on the label. Welcome to the United States – contains nuts. Welcome to the United Kingdom – objects in the rearview mirror may appear bigger than they are. Welcome to our country – gays will be jailed. But yes, the fact that people are visiting cuntries is up to them.

I am a prejudiced individual. We are all. We judge people by their accents and appearance all the time. I do every day.

Let’s say I’m out walking my dog in the dark and someone is walking towards me, it is natural for me to check them out, because I don’t have time to strike up a conversation with them and assess their character before they mug me.

If the person approaching is themselves walking a dog and has their hands out of their pockets, I guess I’m ok. But if they have a hood up and one hand in their jacket and their jeans hanging round their arse, then yes, I’ll treat them with suspicion. Want to be treated nicely? Let me see some fucking hands.

I am a liberally minded person, but I have to put in this disclaimer because unfortunately we live in a world liberal credentials are measured by how we appease those least tolerant.

But then you’ve put up with me this week, so maybe I’m the hypocrite. Thanks for reading, anyway.

Have a great weekend.

I just saw a bumble bee hit by a train. Seemed a little harsh, but then it’s turning cold and its days were numbered.I wonder if the bees know their time is up. You know, they’ve flying around a garden all summer and one day they go: “Apples. Fuck.”

I think they do. But then one day in October one gets hit by the 807 to Greenford and that’s all she wrote. Maybe it’s what it wanted. Personally, I’d prefer the drowning in the beer way, but you don’t always get the choice.

But look, that’s not why we’re here. Yesterday there was a lot of talking going on the message board about the titties. For new readers, I wanted to say no one really means these things. Apart from maybe Keef. And if a few readers don’t like it, then there’s the door. Well, it’s not a door, it’s a little red x at the top right.

Since we’re talking about the titties, I should say that other erogenous zones are available because I want to show that I am impartial and biparmesan, so there’s a story in the news today about a British couple jailed for having sex on a beach.

On closer inspection (not like that) they were convicted on charges of public indecency and having unmarried sex. That’s kind of fair enough - they don’t deserve to go to jail, then I mean I don’t want to see people hav- Hang on, a minute. Unmarried sex?

In that country, a country which is trying to build up its tourist industry among wealthy young westerners, it is illegal to have sex if you are not married. It is illegal for unmarried couples to have consensual sex under Dubai law. Consensual. Also sex.

“Oh, well,” say the toursts guides on the web, “That’s just ink on paper. It’s not encouraged is what that means.”

Ink on paper is what gets people thrown in jail. Is it illegal or isn’t it?

“Yes, but -”

No, stop right there. It is illegal?

“Well, technically, but-”

Technically my arse. Help me out here, lawyers. If I’m in court and the judge says I did something illegal, do I say: “Well, yes. TECHnically it’s illegal of course, but that’s just ink on paper, right?”

Their tourist sites explain that while it is illegal under UAE law, it’s rarely enforced for discreet westerners.

Ooh, so you’re racist. Well, that’s OK then.

Well I say fuck that country. Fuck it unmarried, and fuck it in a courtroom.

And now I’m done.

Well now. I’m often doing several things at once. I’m a news dad, and I’ll hold that up against hockey mom any fucking day.

I may be having lunch and reading a book, listening to music and writing this like I am now, checking email while walking the dog, several things.

So the other day I was listening to a podcast on the way home on a busy tube train.

I was standing close opposite a really good looking woman. I can say that without being sexist and all sleazy. I can say a man is good looking. I think I’m good looking.

Anyway, she was also wearing a low-cut top. Now hang on. Wait. Let me explain.

People who travel on crowded tube trains know that it is impossible to make a journey without looking down. It’s not like that. And I’m still explaining.

I carry my stuff in a backpack because I found that all the stuff I lug was too heavy in the shoulder manbag I had for the couple of miles I walk on my journey. Backpacks are no good on the tube, because you take up too much room and people can take stuff out of them back there, so like many people I put my back down by my feet. On a busy tube, which stops every three minutes or so, there’s a lot of shuffling about and you have to check your stuff and make sure you’re not shuffling into other people’s stuff.

I did this a few times, in fact so did she, because we weren’t getting out at the stops along the journey, as me and her were going all the way. Shush now.

We were standing very close for most of the journey,
maybe this I———————————————————————–I close
and I looked down to check my stuff. Trouble is, she thought I was checking her stuff and she shot me a quizzical but accusing look. I know these looks, and it’s best to move on. There is no right answer. You can’t say: “I wasn’t checking you out, so don’t worry.” Honestly, Never say that. Really.

I looked out the window immediately to detach myself from the notion, kind of horrified, but not showing it and wanting time to jump forward a minute so we could all just move on.

Now remember I said I was listening to a podcast? Here’s where that comes in.

It was the Adam And Joe Six Music show, which is very funny, and I was having fun listening to that. Trouble is, I was having too much fun, because I was smiling away to myself.

So there I am, looking out a window there’s nothing to see through, staring into the distance, smiling to myself.

The moral of this post (and they all have one, whether I point it out or not) is:
If you are accused of sleaze, then looking away and smiling away to yourself makes things a million times worse.

I get a few searches on this site, and yesterday, despite not writing anything, I got about forty searches, all from Australia asking how many ADHD sufferers it takes to change a lightbulb. If there is anyone reading this in Australia, can you please tell me why this entered the national consciousness on Monday?

There were loads of them. Unless it is the same person who actually has ADHD and seriously wants to know how to change a lightbulb but is compelled to typing it into google over and over again. I can see that.

Normally the most common search I get (apart from the porn ones) is for songs about rivers. I like that, and also I’m surprised no one has written about it more.

With the porn searches, right, I’d have to ask: why do they stay? Sure, be referred here by looking for whatever but then why then spend 17 minutes and view seven separate pages? Do they not believe that there is no porn here or do they change their minds and stick around for a laugh and listen to a couple of songs?

I don’t get it.

So I was saying on Friday I got a HD receiver at the weekend. I’ve had an High Definition television for about five years and I’ve never done anything with it, but now I’ve got the stuff to go with it, and I can confirm that it is the shit.

And there are hundreds of channels. I can watch The Dog Whisperer all day long. It’s on Animal Planet, then later it’s on The Dog Channel, and right after that it’s on The Whispering Channel. Tomorrow on TWC it’s Bob Harris Night. I’ve watched stuff about US civil war.

The stuff in HD looks amazing. Now I want the all the CCTV and police cars to have high definition cameras in them so I can watch really clear pictures on those real-life crime shows.

I watched this one thing about the Forbidden City and it was awesome. Watching reality TV in high-def is like looking out the window without all that hassle and expense that comes with looking out an actual window. I’ve been watching shows that aren’t even that interesting but they are in HD. It’s like listening to crap music because it sounds good.

Speaking of listening, the podcast thing is once again put back a week. Mr Angry got in touch yesterday to say that the night we were supposed to tape (haha, I said tape) the entertainment (Haha! I said entertainment) is the night of the England football (HAHA!!!) match, which I didn’t realise when I suggested the time. I did an Arty Fufkin-esque “I got no timing, I fucked up the timing”.

Actually, that’s a funny thing, because only fans on Spinal Tap will get that, but I throw it out there just like that. The other week I was in Broadcasting House for a conference and we were trying to find the Radio Theatre, which is a beautiful 1930’s room where they record I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue and lots more your ears could care to mention.

BH is an old building on a corner of a street and it has round corridors and alleys which seem inspired by the runs that rabbits weave in the brush. Some colleague and I were looking for the studio and we reached a dead end. A cleaner appeared and we asked the right way and she sent us back with a series of complicated instruction involving fire doors and stairways. We turned around and headed for the venue, I said “Hello Cleveland!” and the air went so dead you could smell it.

If this isn’t funny to you now, then I am recounting something that wasn’t funny then, but I thought I’d give it another go.

So we’re going to move the podcast back a week (again), recording in the middle of next week. We’ll leave it to cool on the window ledge a couple of days and you should have it by next weekend. See now with all this talk of movies, I’m thinking of American Pie and that’s just wrong.

Hopefully this slapdash and ramshackle approach to planning is what makes me and Mr Angry funny people in the first place. It’s what the French call a lezzy fair, and hopefully we can redeem ourselves in exchange for LOLs sometime next week.

I think everyone may have seen this all ready, but it’s great.

Here’s one I tracked down this week on a popular auction site by 80’s supergroup Animal Logic.

That’s right, I said 80’s.

Supergroup, you heard.

OK, now I’m saying Stewart Copeland to you.

Ah, you see?

This also features Stanley Clarke on bass and Deborah Holland on very distinctive and wide ranging vocals.

It’s cheesey and the word “just” in the chorus is plainly there to add a syllable, but it’s such a good chorus and the song sounds so great that it goes straight into the weekend song.

You show the signs of life but it’s sorrow that you find comfort in.

Listen - Firing Up The Sunset Gun

It’s heading towards the weekend and I’ve got it all going on. Saturday night I’m heading up to that London to see the Keith And The Girl podcast I’ve been talking about. On Sunday I’m getting HD telly. That’s high definition, bitches. H to the D.

Despite the current global financial crisis, I’ve got holidays booked for next year which I’m really excited about because it’s somewhere I have never been before, which doesn’t happen very often, but I’m getting adventurous.

The thing I’m probably most excited about this weekend though is becoming a godfather. I guess being a godfather is like being an uncle. You still get to do that magic coin appearing behind the ear thing, only you have to give the kid the coin. So, I need to figure out which coin has the worst size to value ratio, factoring in shininess. I’m thinking ten pence pieces. Hey, I’m getting HD – let’s not go crazy.

I’m not sure what godfathers do, but I’ve got the voice down: “You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and you ask me for justice…”

That’s an audio gag. Hey, speaking of audio gags, did I mention –oh never mind.

Along with half the world’s Internauts, I’ve got Stephen Fry following me on twitter.

Stephen Fry was once asked how he was able to be so productive with writing books and presenting television shows and reading and just being a face about town and he replied that it was easy. He said he’s a gay middle class, middle aged man who had been fortunate in his career and didn’t have the family commitments that other people have with commuting and school runs and kid’s piano lessons.

That rings true. I think I’m pretty productive, but if I didn’t have a family and I had money that allowed me to spend long period of time at home and flying around the world musing, I’d be knocking things up and out of the park at the same time. But good on him for using that privilege and not sitting on his laurels.

And on that metaphor (not the last one, but the one before that), the other good news is that the Phillies are in the baseball playoffs, which means they could repeat an updated version of my greatest sporting memory, and even if we can just beat the Dodgers, it would be just as good as when we burshed aside the Astros in 1980.

Right, that’s your lot. I know I keep saying it, but I have never been busier at work or at home but I’m really enjoying it. I also have a redesign coming up, but I’m not sure how drastic to make it, so I’m working with my buddy Iain, who built the banner of this site and helped with a lot of the coding. There are a few things I want to do. I’d like to make the site wider, I want to slim down the archive on the right, because it pushes some decent stuff below the fold.

I want to keep the same banner image, although that picture was taken in 2004 when digital cameras weren’t that good. Trouble is, that’s a part of this site, like my handwriting up there. That sky is the view from the Moyenne Corniche, the road between Nice and Monaco, and is taken just above Villefranche, where my dad lives in a part of the world where I grew up. I guess I could take another picture sometime, but then the clouds will be different on that day. You see how I worry?

All right, you big you, you, have a great weekend.

But I am. Details are on I Am Livid.

I’m doing a podcast.

Today is my blogday. It was back on the misty morning of 8 October 2004 I first bungeed (yes, bungeed) into Blogsville with small words, big ideas, and a bag full of dreams. It was a very masculine bag though, I want to point that out. As well as my dreams it contained whiskey, my lucky poker dice, some nunchucks, a Congressional Medal Of Honour and 1970’s Rolling Stones LPs. LP’s mind you. Fuck CDs. You know? Shiny fuckers…

I always know when my blogday is coming up, because it’s the day my car insurance runs out and I start getting reminders. This year I got confused and I called round for quotes for other blogs. It was useful, though, because I actually I found out that this one is the cheapest around. Also, I’ve never made any claims on it.

So four years since doing this and Kym Marsh still hasn’t noticed me, but the voting is in and I’ve decided to run for another term. Onwards and upwards, we’ve got the podcast coming up, I bought some video gadgets that I haven’t used yet but will, so stick around if you’ve been sticking and thanks for doing that.

I had thought about doing a blog years before I actually started one, and one of the reasons for not doing one was because other people already had them. That’s pretty stupid, because nothing would ever get done if everyone thought that. Thankfully, everyone isn’t me.

The blogs that put me off the most were the ones that had been around for four years already when I started thinking about mine, because for some reason I saw four years as a long time online and an established period.

But there are a lot of excellent blogs that started around 2000 and equally some great ones that started a couple of months ago and it makes no difference to one day’s post. So to the old ones, I say “Up yours granddad!” and to the new ones I go: “Hahahahahah - You can’t catch me. Look at me! Look at the fingers! Lalalalalala!”

Sometimes I wonder how either of us put with this.

I know it’s not the weekend, but given the mood, let’s have some bittersweet blues melodica with a 21-piece jazz orchestra. What do you say? Yeah? Blues melodica? Go on then.

—
On this day
2007
2006
2005
2004

Hi kids. I’ve written this because you’re at the age now where you can google stuff. You’re eight and six and pretty much have your own ways which are yours as much as mine and there’s a chance you will find this some day. That’s fine, too, because this isn’t a secret, but it’s not written with children in mind.

You both know I have this site you understand what it is. I don’t think you know that everyone doesn’t have a site, but you know it’s something Daddy does.

So if you’ve found this, hello. This site is something separate from our family and my work. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t your business because you are a part of everything I am and do.

Now, about the swearing. Sometimes this is how people talk sometimes, and I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but you shouldn’t think talking like that passes for kind behaviour and that’s important at your age.

If you’re reading this, whatever age you may be when you do,  you can ask me about this site. It’s not something I have tucked away to hide. I have written about you rarely in the past and when I did the jokes I made were done in kindness because I adore you both unconditionally, and I don’t write a lot about our time together because that’s just for us.

And while I have written about sadness I want you to know that nothing could ever have made me happier than you do.

–
The note
Cleaning up

Not another post about me, no. Arf. But I have to chip in with my 79p to say a few words about Itunes’s Genius feature.

What is basically does is creates a playlist around one song. It does this using the vast database at Apple which contains information about the song, then matches it to another song, and goes on like that. It also throws in a few departures so you’re not left with a bunch of too samey stuff. It does this from the songs in your library by the way, it doesn’t make you buy loads of stuff like critics have said.

There was a radio station when I was a kid that played classic hits the way many US stations do and the way Virgin/Absolute and a hundred others do today. It was called WIFI 92 and I was feeling in that mood today, so I put in a late 70’s classic upbeat smooth song to see what it gave, and results were pretty good.

The song was Hey Nineteen by Steeley Dan and here’s what I got:

It’s Too Late – Carole King
Mexico – James Taylor
Take The Money And Run – Steve Miller
Rich Girl – Hall And Oates
Mr Tambourine Man – The Byrds
All She Wants To Do Is Dance – Don Henley (and make romance, the song says, but apart from that, that’s all she wants to do)
Love, Reign O’er Me – The Who
De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da – The Police
Late In The Evening – Paul Simon
Shower The People – James Taylor
Baker Street – Jerry Rafferty (I played the sax on this)
Spirits In The Material World – The Police
Don’t Do Me Like That – Tom Petty
Help Me – Joni Mitchell
Kodachrome – Paul Simon
Wrapped Around Your Finger – The Police
A Whiter Shade Of Pale – Procol Harem
Don’t Dream It’s Over – Crowded House
Jazzman – Carole King
So Lonely – The Police
Slip Sliding Away – Paul Simon
Heart And Soul  - Huey Lewis & The News
Jet Airline – Steve Miller Band
Demolition Man – The Police
Crossroads – Cream
50 Way To Leave Your Lover – Paul Simon
So Far Away – Carole King
If I Ever Lose My Faith In You – Sting
Veronica – Elvis Costello
Run Like Hell – Pink Floyd
You’ve Got A Friend – James Taylor
Born On The Bayou – Creedence Clearwater Revival
White Room – Cream
I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues – Elton John
Close To You – The Carpenters
Brand New Day – Sting
Breakdown – Tom Petty
The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down – The Band
Bellbottom Blues – Derek And The Dominos

That’s a pretty good list, given the source material. And you may assume that all the music on my ipod is this type of music, but it isn’t at all, and that’s the clever part. Sure I have a lot of James Taylor and everything The Police have ever done, but then I have everything by Nick Drake and Coldplay and a lot of soul and tons of jazz and none of that is on here.

But it slips in a little Floyd and since Steeley Dan is a “classic” band, it puts in your Eltons and your Polices and your Carpenterses. A little too middle of the road for every day, but sometimes that’s cool.

Huey Lewis? Crowded House? Sting? I am not ashamed.

So a tentative thumbs up for genius, and if Itunes would let me fucking own outright the songs I have bought I’d be happy as a clam.

Oooh - since I’m here, I found out today that the Spanish word for butterfly is mariposa. That’s beautiful, and even more amazing when you think in Italian it’s farfalle and in French it’s papillon. They are all beautiful words. Anyone know what it is in other languages? I’m officially intrigued.

Cutting political analysis today in your This Is This On Sunday, with news that Peter Mandelson is back in government.

Of course, running the news story me gave me an excuse to search for a previous colour piece and a bit of my undercover photojournalism right here.

Oh, and by the way, don’t type “Mandy rocks” into google when you’re in the office.

Trust me.

Now I’m not much of a dancer, but that ain’t for lack of songs, and here’s one.

I almost don’t know where to start. I can’t believe her voice, and the backing vocals. (TAKE IT!! HAVE A!!)

The bass in the chorus is right there with the left hand on the pian - You know what? I’m just going to shut up.

But with all the love I give you, it’s never enough.

Listen  - (Take A Little) Piece Of My Heart

“Yes, I’d like to rent a canoe,” I say.

A colleague near me smiles. But it’s not funny. I’m on the phone and I actually do really want to rent a canoe. It’s like the time I called a petshop from the newsdesk and I started the conversation with a chirpy: “Good morning, do you sell catflaps?”

Someone nearly choked.

Just because they sound like opening lines in a comedy sketch doesn’t mean they aren’t valid. You can hear it though, can’t you? The sound of an old-fashioned shop-keeper’s bell? Right? Then the line?

The lady on the phone asks me if I know how to handle a canoe.

“Handle a canoe, ” I think, “Have you ever read this?”

But I don’t have my blog with me and she probably hasn’t anyway, so I say: “Yes. Yes I do.”

“What level are you?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I’ve never done a grading.”

I used to go kayaking with a club at weekends, too, and it bugs me when people mix up canoes with kayaks.

“I can canoe.” Then I start thinking of a Glaswegian going: “I can kayak, aye, but I cannae canoe” and that goes on for a bit.

“Can you do the stroke where you steer the boat in either direction while just paddling on one side?”

“Yeah…” I say in a defiant, half-mocked, single-breathed laugh.

“What’s the name of that stroke?”

Oh. Now I really want to do a muttered and sarcastic baby voice and repeat what she said. Partly because I don’t know, and partly because I am a fucking child. “Wassanameothastroke???”

“Um, I don’t know,” I say.

“It’s called a J stroke.”
“S’calledajaystro….”

“You would need to come in for lessons before you can go out on your own.”

“Well, I’ll think about it then,” I say, as if there are loads of other places to rent canoes in the Thames Valley.

This is why men suck now. It’s stuff like this. A lack of access to outdoor sporting goods and paddle gradings.

Bitch.

Have a good weekend.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” you say, maybe, “this is a blog. It’s open access. There shouldn’t be rules. ‘Blogging is to the written word what punk rock was to music.’ You said that.”

Yes. Yes, I did. But punk rock had rules. The guitars were in tune, there was timing, and purpose and a message.

But I do have guidelines. I spell things. There are things I don’t write about. Very dark things. (only joking) (or am I?) I don’t start posts with the words “these days”. I’ll link out to other bloggers I mention. I don’t bring my personal quarrels here. I welcome first time commenters. I don’t write about the BBC in the context of them being my employer. And if I do write about news, it’s not in the context of my production of it. I have lots of rules.

1. Make a contribution
Well, durr, right? Yes, but also no. Have your say, but have something to say. Good comments relate to the post and add something. They can be simple, they can be complimentary – that’s always nice. Bad comments are: “I don’t get it” or a flat “I disagree”. Disagree if you want, but say why. And if you don’t get it, ask a question. This is not my job and I’ll sleep like a baby whether you get it or not. Our lives are too short as it is.

2. Don’t tell me about myself
Please don’t write about me to me or tell me stuff about myself. I’m not paying you and this just really rubs me up the wrong way. This site is a blog – it’s full of my thoughts, but I don’t want to be a personality. I want the site to be successful, but I know myself already and you can take it or leave it. The one thing I like less than this is people talking to other readers about me.

I find it odd and it develops a cult of personality that alienates quiet and new readers. Please yourself, but not here please. There’s a Facebook club page you can join for that but this site is this site. It’s not “The Cliff Jones Site for all things both Cliff and Jones.” It’s a fine line sometimes, and I know that when people tuned into the Tonight Show, they were watching “Jonny Carson”, but it wasn’t a show about Jonny Carson. It’s just a show. Please don’t discuss me, it makes me really uncomfortable.

3. Don’t advertise
This seems obvious, but every month I block thousands of messages which contain advertising links. If you are leaving a legitimate comment, please don’t use your company’s website as the url.

4. Share It Out
This is the internet. One thing I think is cool is how like-minded the people here are. People on this site are the best and have a lot in common so feel free to share links. I’m on the web. You’re on the web. So is loads of good stuff.

5. Say what you like, and say what you like
In one sense, be free. In another, if there are any features you like about this site, let me know. I’m not always sure what’s going to be a hit or not. Video posts, weekend songs, three word story, This Is This Recommends. I’m sometimes not sure what’s going to be a good idea and I want this to work. I sometimes get it wrong. Nine Rooms is a good example of that.

This site isn’t going to set the world on fire, but I want to make it as good as I can, and there’s a lot I can do. I’m not a big company, I don’t send out surveys to people, and I rely oon good old-fashioned word of mouth. Having said that, I have never told any blogger that I like any one particular thing about their site, and there are sites I’m a really big fan of. But, you know, if you like something, let me know. If you want more feeds or if it looks crappy on your Iphone, let me know. Also, suggest an event you’d like to see. A live blogging event. A web chat. This Is This merch? Buttons you can put on your own blog to promote the site.

6. Be nice
This is a simple one, but if you’re nice then people will play with you. I mean generally. Be nice. Especially to the new people. And the quiet ones. They may kill us all one day before turning the gun on themselves.

7. Spread the word
OK, this isn’t so much about comments, but since I’m being honest, I’d like to encourage you to send a bit of linky love action around. If you like what you’re reading, then please send it around. Sometime it seems like I’m writing loads, but actually not all that many people read this, and it’s great that people do, so I think maybe it would be greater if more did. If you see a post  you like, stick it up on Twitter, or Facebook or Myspace or anything. It’s always fun when people do and it reminds me that I should do that more with other people’s stuff.
…
That’s it. I know it seems a little harsh, but sometimes comments frustrate me. You don’t have to read this and I don’t have to publish comments, which are 99 per cent awesome all the time, and if it’s 100, then we’re one per cent more awesome and you just can’t buy that in shops.

Now I know some asshole is going to say: “I don’t get it. Cliff, this is the kind of thing you do all the time, you twat. Buy the mattress your back deserves! Also, I disagree.”

Very funny.Very funny ind -BANNED.

Editorial features often do the numbers thing, don’t they? Five Great Ways To A New You, Twelve Signs That He’s Cheating On You, Fifty Must-Have Mobile Phones - that kind of thing.

And seven is always a popular number. Pillars of Wisdom, Ages Of Man, samurai, dwarves.

So tomorrow (because Thursday is the most popular day [and I’ll offer up my theory {such as it is} for this later] on this blog) I give you:

Seven Steps to Leaving Great Blog Comments