I Wasn’t Looking
Well now. I’m often doing several things at once. I’m a news dad, and I’ll hold that up against hockey mom any fucking day.
I may be having lunch and reading a book, listening to music and writing this like I am now, checking email while walking the dog, several things.
So the other day I was listening to a podcast on the way home on a busy tube train.
I was standing close opposite a really good looking woman. I can say that without being sexist and all sleazy. I can say a man is good looking. I think I’m good looking.
Anyway, she was also wearing a low-cut top. Now hang on. Wait. Let me explain.
People who travel on crowded tube trains know that it is impossible to make a journey without looking down. It’s not like that. And I’m still explaining.
I carry my stuff in a backpack because I found that all the stuff I lug was too heavy in the shoulder manbag I had for the couple of miles I walk on my journey. Backpacks are no good on the tube, because you take up too much room and people can take stuff out of them back there, so like many people I put my back down by my feet. On a busy tube, which stops every three minutes or so, there’s a lot of shuffling about and you have to check your stuff and make sure you’re not shuffling into other people’s stuff.
I did this a few times, in fact so did she, because we weren’t getting out at the stops along the journey, as me and her were going all the way. Shush now.
We were standing very close for most of the journey,
maybe this I———————————————————————–I close
and I looked down to check my stuff. Trouble is, she thought I was checking her stuff and she shot me a quizzical but accusing look. I know these looks, and it’s best to move on. There is no right answer. You can’t say: “I wasn’t checking you out, so don’t worry.” Honestly, Never say that. Really.
I looked out the window immediately to detach myself from the notion, kind of horrified, but not showing it and wanting time to jump forward a minute so we could all just move on.
Now remember I said I was listening to a podcast? Here’s where that comes in.
It was the Adam And Joe Six Music show, which is very funny, and I was having fun listening to that. Trouble is, I was having too much fun, because I was smiling away to myself.
So there I am, looking out a window there’s nothing to see through, staring into the distance, smiling to myself.
The moral of this post (and they all have one, whether I point it out or not) is:
If you are accused of sleaze, then looking away and smiling away to yourself makes things a million times worse.
October 15th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Oh come on what’s wrong with this picture Cliff? How sad is it when you feel the need to justify to yourself that you weren’t really sneaking a peek down the cleavage of a hot babe?
So long as look is all you do and you’re tasteful about it i.e. no drooling, no crass remarks and above all no copping a feeling what harm are you actually doing?
I was at a party 22/23 years ago and there was this gorgeous part-Asian lass in this little red mini-dress cut almost to her navel, no bra and firm perky boobs. I still get hot under the collar thinking about it even now. As soon as I saw them I had the overwhelming desire to bury my head between them and go blubbedy-blubbedy. But manfully I restrained myself which with hindsight was probably a good thing since I suspect my request for a date a couple of hours later and my subsequent proposal of marriage a year after that would have received a very different response from the one I actually got.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:25 am
That’s a beautiful story Keef.
October 15th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Keef - Your initial instinct upon seeing your future wife for the first time was an overwhelming desire to motorboat her boobs?!
Cliff is right, that is a beautiful story. I’m tearing up.
October 15th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
…and then you had all the time in the world. That’s a good parable about patience, it could almost have been told by Jesus himself.
October 15th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Motorboat. Jesus Christ.
Jesus. Jesus Christ.
I’m think I’ve just lost the female (majority) demographic on this website. And the religious right. At least it’s not an election year.
October 15th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Len G What can I say I’ve always been a romantic guy, I’m also a liar when our daughter asked me what was the first thing I noticed about her mum, I told her it was her deep brown eyes but it was definitely her boobs.
Her mother told her that the first thing she noticed about me was the annoying drunk who kept staring at her cleavage.
October 15th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Keef - I like the cut of your jib.
Cliff - Uh, sorry. But look at the bright side… You probably haven’t lost the female readers with nice, perky, motorboat-able boobs.
October 15th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Apparently he cuts his jib himself.
I think we have broken so many comment rules today, but I think it’s important to talk about these things in the run up to global financial meltdown.
You see???? You see what happens when I mention porn?
Jesus H Fucking Balls, people.
October 15th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
And I was teh one that got chastised for inappropriate postings?!
October 15th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Ed - Actually you weren’t. No one said that.
October 15th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
So which “stuff” did she actually think you were looking at, Cliff? Her bag or her… never mind.
I had a similar experience recently on a very busy train to Nottingham where we were stood up in-between carriages it was so packed. Unfortunately, that also meant there were no windows to windows to look away through and smile to oneself via. I also had no elbow room to take out a book and the gentleman to my right was clearly just dis-engaging from a sweaty and dirty weekend with the Territorial Army, so if you can imagine it, it was something like this:
woman T.A. Man.
Any tips you can share for such a circumstance?
October 15th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
I’m still at “motorboat”.
October 15th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Gah. My little diagram was parsed!
Try again:
Woman (Rock) —- me —- T.A. Man (Hard Place)
October 15th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Okay I grinned at the post but laughed out loud at the comments.
I don’t think women should get pissed when men check them out if they’re displaying cleavage. I mean, HELLO.
One time, though, I was wearing a *turtleneck* (for frick’s sake) and some guy was ogling my chest like there was a million dollars on it and I actually snapped my fingers near my face and said “I’m up here.” One of his friends (he was working in a copy shop) laughed so hard he nearly fell down.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:54 am
I accidentally groped a woman on the train last week, it was quite embarrassing.
She turned round.
October 16th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Which was was she facing to start off with. Details, man.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I don’t understand the motorboat reference, but it made me laugh, and that is all you need to know.
October 16th, 2008 at 11:39 am
VerseFameBeauty, I hafta agree. As the bearer of cleavage (in increasingly impressive amounts, as pregnancy progresses), I find it hard to get offended when people look, if it is at all on display. It can be tiresome, and if I’m modestly attired then that’s just silly… but, yeah. There’s a certain magnetic thing going on there.
Also, Mr Scroob would probably like to meet Keef and shake his hand in a bonding-type moment, if he ever read this blog anyway. In his wedding speech, he told all, what, 19 guests? about how fabulous it was to see this woman at a party wearing practically nothing. MY GRANDPARENTS WERE RIGHT THERE. Ugh. Anyway. Clearly I have much to thank this cleavage for.